Once Upon a Time, Reality Edition

Back by popular demand, I give you another installment of Once Upon a Time.  Since this is my blog and I can do anything I like, I'm going to take the liberty of expanding these segments to movies and TV shows along with traditional fairy tales.  Hope you enjoy.

Once upon a time, there was a man named Jed; a poor mountaineer who barely kept is family fed.  Then one day as he was searching for some food, up from the ground came a bubbling crude...oil that is, black gold, Texas tea.  Well, the next thing you know ole Jed's a millionaire.  Kin folk say, "Jed move away from here.  California is the place you outta be."  So Jed loaded up the truck and he moved to Beverly....Hills that is.  Swimming pools.  Movie Stars.
Today, Jed would be an Iraq war veteran who has returned home a broken man with a broken body, only to find out that his wife of 30 years has died in a mass shooting at a health club.  Jed is out of work and unable to care for his family, yet still finds a way to be a foster parent for babies born with crack and alcohol addictions.  Jethro and Elly May are forced to share a small broom closet as a room and Granny runs a soup kitchen off her back porch.  Their house is in complete disrepair, much too small to accommodate their philanthropic efforts, and their story is submitted to ABC for inclusion on Extreme Makeover:  Home Edition.  One morning Ty Pennington and his magic bus show up on their lawn, the crew transforms their dilapidated shack into a 5000 sq. foot mansion, Jed exclaims "Wee Doggies" when he opens the garage to find a new Prius, Elly May becomes a contestant on Hell's Kitchen, Jethro finally gets himself a cement (pronounced seement) pond, Granny gets busted for selling moonshine, Mrs. Drysdale joins the cast of The Real Housewives of Orange County, Mr. Drysdale ends up in prison for running a Ponzi scheme, and they all live happily ever after.

Once Upon a Time, there was a story of a lovely lady, who was bringing up 3 very lovely girls.  All of them had hair of gold, like their mother, the youngest one in curls.  Here's the story, of a man named Brady, who was busy with 3 boys of his own.  They were 4 men, living all together, yet they were all alone.  Til the one day when the lady met the fellow.  And they knew it was much more than a hunch.  That this group would somehow form a family and that's the way they all became the Brady Bunch.
Today, the Brady's would have a reality show called Carol and Mike Plus Tikes and we'd all tune in weekly to see the unrealistic reality of raising a large family in the twenty-first century. With a cable TV show and Mike's architectural firm booming, and thanks to some creative financing, the Brady's decide to move to 5000 sq. foot home formerly inhabited by The Clampetts. The Brady's loan begins to adjust, the housing market plummets causing Mike's architectural business to fold, their bank account turns to red as their lawn turns to brown, and the Brady's are forced to move after their house was sold to Khloe Kardashian and Lamar Odom on the county court steps. The Brady's marriage begins to strain, reports surface that Carol is cheating with Sam the Butcher, Mike gets photographed leaving a club at 2 am with one of Marsha's friends, the American public realizes the Brady's are far more interesting when they are fighting, the couple decides to divorce, and they all live happily ever after.

Once upon a time, there was a tale.  A tale of a fateful trip, that started on a tropic point aboard a tiny slip.  The mate was a mighty sailin' man.  The skipper brave and sure.  Five passengers set sail that day for a 3 hour tour...a 3 hour tour. The weather started getting rough; the tiny ship was tossed. 
If not for the courage of the fearless crew, the Minnow would be lost...the Minnow would be lost.  No phone(s)! No light(s)! No motor car(s)!  Not a single luxury.  Like Robinson C-ru-soe, it's primitive as can be.
Today, Gilligan and gang would all be contestants on Survivor.  Mrs. Howell would be the first voted off after she expresses to her show-mates that Survivor was nothing more than a free vacation for her.  Mr. Howell is the token old man, calls everyone "Lovey", and gets voted off 2nd when everyone finds out he is already a millionaire.  The Professor is smart enough to produce fire from a leaf and a bobby pin, builds a makeshift transistor radio out of coconuts and seaweed, but isn't bright enough to use the 2 immunity idols he found thus preventing Ginger and The Skipper's secret alliance from booting him off 3rd.  The Skipper is next to go when his island mates get angry at him for constantly berating Gilligan, his excessive flatulence, and the fact he eats 3/4 of the food they have.  Ginger goes down 5th, creates skin care products made purely from coconut extract and sand, makes millions selling the products on QVC, makes an appearance on The Celebrity Apprentice, marries Donald Trump, divorces Donald Trump, poses in Playboy, marries Hugh Hefner, divorces Hugh Hefner, gets into politics, becomes Governor of Alaska, and runs for Vice President in John McCain's failed bid at the Presidency.  The final is between Gilligan and Mary Ann, where it is revealed they've had a showmance since week 1.  Gilligan convinces the jury to vote for Mary Ann, proposes to her after she gets named winner, they do a series of other reality shows together including Gilligan and Mary Ann Get Married, and they all live happily ever after.