Maybe I'm just a hick

I'm at a crossroads in my travel life. There is no question that I like the good life and go away on vacations to relax and experience a bit of how the other half lives. And by other half, I really mean about .00001% of people who can actually afford to do things other than pay bills these days. Anyway, I've become a bit of a travel snob of late and have a really hard time staying in anything other than great hotels (ps. for those of you in the midwest, despite it's name The Best Western is not a great hotel. It should really be called The Just Okay Western). The problem is the great hotels just do some incredibly weird things that put me right back into hickland. I'd like to share some observations from a recent stay I had at a 5-Star hotel.

#1 This hotel has a bath drawing service. Now that sounds really really cool. So cool, in fact, that I'd consider getting it even though I can't stand taking a bath. It's one of those things that makes you feel more important than you really are and is a pretty neat experience. Now here's the catch...the cheapest of the 5 bath services they have is $525. SERIOUSLY?? I'm pretty sure all you are doing is turning on the water and maybe throwing some sort of bubbling concoction in there. Ok, granted it comes with Champagne, but either I don't have a clue how much Krug costs or they are completely ripping me off. By the way, the most expensive of the services is over $1600. Who the hell has that much money to take a bath? I'm all for extravagance, but that is just out of control.

#2 Wine costs $15 a glass, beer is about $13, a good scotch costs $32 a glass, etc. And the part I'm aggravated about is that I'm not pissed paying it. Maybe that's why these hotels strive so hard to make you forget about the reality of your bank account. If I went into a local bar and was asked to pay that for a drink I would tell them to pound salt. Yet here I'm gladly shelling out the $240 bar tab for pre-dinner drinks as if I've suddenly turned into an oil baron on holiday. (For those who are interested, the Scotch was worth every single penny).

#3 So what does my $1600 bath drawing, $15 glass of wine selling hotel offer in terms of room amenities? Internet access for $15 per day and only 2 wash clothes. HUH? For $300 per night you can't throw down some free wifi? How is it the Days Inn over in Pokipsy offer it for $45 a night and these guys won't do it? That is actually offensive to me, which is why I'm currently sitting down the street at a Starbucks doing it for $3.99. And why do they give me 6 towels but only 2 wash clothes? I'd actually use a towel more than once as you are using that AFTER you are already clean. But the wash cloth is filled with your filth and grime from a day past. Last night they actually took out a wash cloth during turn down service and didn't replace it. What on earth am I supposed to do with only 1?

Free water in the room, pro. A small unit by my desk that controls everything electric in my room, pro. Giant flat screen TV, pro. The fact that giant TV is hooked up to an analog signal, major con. Oh wait, I can get HD if I pay you $14.95 for a movie. That's just great. I'm really happy about that.

I guess it boils down to wanting the good life without really wanting to pay for it. Maybe for the really rich being able to afford that sort of thing is part of the fun. Maybe a $500 bath is a barometer for success that is noted in the "I'm filthy rich" handbook you get when you are a multi-millionaire. Maybe there is some sort of crazy money scavenger hunt that includes a $1600 rose petal bath. But I have to tell you, I don't think I ever want to get to a point where I'm okay paying more for a bath than I am for a flight. Seems to me there must be a ton of candles around the tub, because that bath is simply full of wax.