Once Upon a Time

What's happened to fairy tales?  Did the Brothers Grimm and Disney just get it so right that we decided to stop with Snow White and Cinderella?  Or are we bombarded with so much information via TV and the Internet that we no longer have any capacity to believe in them?  And if fairy tales were written today, what would they look like?

Once upon a time, Cinderella lost her slipper and the handsome prince searched high and low until he found the foot it fit. 
Today, there would be a reality show for the Prince to pick Cinderella out of 20 women who live together in a mansion in Beverly Hills.  He would ultimately find her, they'd become "friends" on Facebook, exchange cell numbers, and spend a great deal of their work day texting each other.  After dating for a short period, the Prince would find out via US Weekly she is cheating on him with a cast member of The Hills.  Feeling spurned, our hero would send Cinderella an endless stream of texts, stalk her house, and post risque pictures of her on the web.  Naturally, Cinderella would have to get a restraining order, the Prince would finally begin to understand she wasn't interested, he'd become a contestant on The Bachelorette, and they all live happily ever after.

Once upon a time, Hansel and Gretel had a horrible stepmother that neglected them and abandoned them in a forest where they become enslaved by a wicked witch with intents on eating them.  Forced to outwit the witch in order to escape, they return home with an abundant treasure, find out their wicked stepmother is dead, and happily reunite with their remorseful father. 
Today, Hansel and Gretel would be child stars on Disney, making millions acting, singing, dancing, and selling merchandise to every girl ages 8-14.  Hansel would begin drinking at age 15, cause controversy by saying outrageous things about Gretel and Disney execs via Tweet, critically injure his best friend by wrapping his SL500 around a tree after partying all night, and utlimately wind up as a 15 minute spot on Where are They Now.  Gretel would pledge to remain a virgin, begin dating the lead singer from a boy band, forget that she pledged to be a virgin, and then go through a nasty breakup.  Gretel would turn to drugs to dull the pain and have photos of her doing embarrassing things appear on the cover of various celebrity rags.  She'd have several brushes with the law, her father would take control of her massive fortune that she's been wasting away, and she'd be forced to go into rehab to deal with her drug addiction.  After years of personal turmoil, Hansel and Gretel would get their lives in order, pull together a reunion tour, become contestants on Dancing with the Stars, and they all live happily ever after.

Once upon a time, Jack was given 5 magic beans that, once planted, sprouted a giant beanstalk.  Jack climbed the beanstalk 3 times taking home with him gold coins, a golden egg hatching hen, and a magical harp.  Jack cuts down the beanstalk as the giant was chasing him down, causing the giant to come crashing to the ground and the beanstalk to split in half.
Today, Jack would be a radical Berkley Environmentalist who protests any form of urban development.  After finding out the bean stalk is to be cut down in order to erect an Ikea, Jack decides to scale the stalk, set up a stalk house, and refuses to come down until the plans for expansion are aborted.  After several months and multiple lawsuits, the Birkenstock wearing and patchouli smelling Jack is forcibly removed from the bean stalk by local police.  As a PR move, Ikea agrees to use 1% of the store's revenue to buy carbon credits, Jack gets a book deal, begins dating a Victoria Secret model, and they all live happily ever after.

And while I know it's not a fairy tale.....Once upon a time, Superman left Krypton, moved to Metropolis, and became a reporter at the Daily Planet where no one ever put 2 and 2 together to realize Clark Kent and Superman were one in the same.  Upon identifying all sorts of hazards, Superman would find a phone booth, change into his famous red and blue outfit, and use his super powers to save the world.
Today, Superman works at TMZ and is the head of Teamsters Local 31, the superhero labor union.  He is named People's sexiest man alive and is uniformly recognized as the world's most eligible bachelor.  A local school is burning and thanks to the cell phone boom, he is unable to find a phone booth in which to change from Clark Kent to Superman.  He sneaks into an alley, unfortunately in the Castro, where he is photographed in his red and blue tights by a member of the paparazzi.  The photos are broadcast all over the world, his true identity is revealed, and questions immediately begin to surface regarding the nature of his relationship with Jimmy Olsen.  Superman refuses to answer questions regarding his sexuality, saying it's a matter of privacy and nobody's business but his.  He becomes a recluse for several months, marries the daughter of a former Rock and Roll icon, adopts a 7 month old child from Malawi, and they all live happily ever after.

The moral of the story is times have changed.  We build our heroes up only to break them down on the world's biggest stages.  We continually put them on pedestals and under microscopes until they are no longer interesting or until they self destruct.  As a society we want our heroes to be superhuman, yet spend all of our efforts showing how they are the exact opposite.  And our heroes are no better.  They live their lives seeking attention from all of us, desperately doing whatever is necessary to wind up on TV or in a magazine.  When they no longer need the media and all of us, they refuse to grant autographs, hide their faces from photographs, barricade themselves behind large mansion walls, and generally give their adoring public a giant middle finger.

As for me, I hope my life story begins: Once upon a time, a man lived completely without wax.