Once Upon a Time, A Dateline Nursery Rhyme Special

Once Upon a Time, Humpty Dumpty sat on a wall, had a great fall, and all the King’s horses and all the King’s men couldn’t put Humpty together again.

Today, Humpty Dumpty would sue the King and the maker of the wall for improper construction that ultimately led to his fall. John Stossel would do a piece on 20/20 about the dangers of wall sitting in middle-America and how the decline of wall building is the hidden plague of our generation. Protestors would demand reform in the wall building industry and would blame the poor quality of walls on the outsourcing of wall building to China. The Reverand Jesse Jackson and Al Sharpton would be outraged that a White Humpty was getting this much attention when Brown Eggs all over America were faced with far worse tragedies on a daily basis. Congress would get involved and enact Dumpty’s Law which requires the use of a hands free device while sitting on a wall and talking on the phone. Humpty would write a series of cooking books where no recipe is made with eggs, and they all would live happily ever after.

Once Upon a Time, Little Red Riding Hood made a nice lunch for her Grandmother and traipsed through the woods to deliver it. She encountered the Wolf along the way and narrowly escaped being eaten. However, the Wolf had taken a short cut to Grandma’s house, eaten Grandma, posed as Grandma, tried to trick Little Red Riding Hood to come closer to eat her, and was ultimately chased away by a helpful farmer.

Today, the Wolf would be on his way to Grandma’s house to hook up with 13 year old Little Red Riding Hood whom he met on the internet. Upon arriving, he would be shuttled to the backyard where Little Red Riding Hood would offer him a drink and proclaim she was going to change into her little red bikini. The Wolf’s grin would quickly disappear when Chris Hansen appears instead of Little Red Riding Hood, proclaiming the Wolf is the subject of NBC’s “To Catch a Predator.” The Wolf pleads this is the first time he’s ever done such a thing, that he’s really a sheep in wolf’s clothing, and that Little Red Riding Hood is the Girl who cried Wolf. After a 20 minute interview with Hansen, the Wolf bolts out of the backyard, is arrested by the Three Little Pigs, is convicted of soliciting a minor for sex, sent to a straw prison, escapes from the straw prison when he huffs and puffs and blows the prison down, is captured and sent to a stick prison, escapes from the stick prison when he huffs and puffs and blows the prison down, is captured and sent to a brick prison, serves his time, gets released from prison, gets a 2-year contract as a back-up quarterback for the Philadelphia Eagles, and they all live happily ever after.

Once Upon a Time, Jack and Jill went up the hill to fetch a pail of water. Jack fell down, broke his crown, and Jill came tumbling after.

Today, Dateline would have a 2 part episode called, “The Mystery of Jack and the Hill” as part of their Crime Story series. The show would outline how forensic evidence suggests that Jack’s fall was no accident, but rather an elaborate scheme by Jill to murder her husband. Jack and Jill had started dating when he was a star high school athlete and she was the head cheerleader. Jack was nimble and Jack was quick; he even jumped over a candlestick. But soon after they married times got tough. Jack Sprat could eat no fat and his wife could eat no lean. And so betwixt the two of them, they picked their platter clean. They had a son, Little Jack Horner, but he just sat in a corner eating his Christmas pie. And the house that Jack built? Well that’s a long story in and of itself. Jill was a jealous woman, accusing Jack of having affairs with Miss Muffet and even the Old Woman in the Shoe. Paternity tests proved that Jack was not the father of all of the Old Woman’s Children, but Jill remained jealous nonetheless. Jill’s suspicions finally got the best of her when Jack was spotted at the top of the hill with Little Bo Peep. She didn’t believe their story about searching for lost sheep and she pushed them both down the hill in a fit of jealous rage. Jill was arrested, charged with double homicide, released on bail, was involved in a low speed chase on a White Bronco ridden by Yankee Doodle Dandy, was represented in the trial by the Three Blind Mice, was found not guilty, and they all lived happily ever after…at least until Jill was arrested and convicted for armed robbery in a Las Vegas hotel room.

Once Upon a Time, Reality Edition

Back by popular demand, I give you another installment of Once Upon a Time.  Since this is my blog and I can do anything I like, I'm going to take the liberty of expanding these segments to movies and TV shows along with traditional fairy tales.  Hope you enjoy.

Once upon a time, there was a man named Jed; a poor mountaineer who barely kept is family fed.  Then one day as he was searching for some food, up from the ground came a bubbling crude...oil that is, black gold, Texas tea.  Well, the next thing you know ole Jed's a millionaire.  Kin folk say, "Jed move away from here.  California is the place you outta be."  So Jed loaded up the truck and he moved to Beverly....Hills that is.  Swimming pools.  Movie Stars.
Today, Jed would be an Iraq war veteran who has returned home a broken man with a broken body, only to find out that his wife of 30 years has died in a mass shooting at a health club.  Jed is out of work and unable to care for his family, yet still finds a way to be a foster parent for babies born with crack and alcohol addictions.  Jethro and Elly May are forced to share a small broom closet as a room and Granny runs a soup kitchen off her back porch.  Their house is in complete disrepair, much too small to accommodate their philanthropic efforts, and their story is submitted to ABC for inclusion on Extreme Makeover:  Home Edition.  One morning Ty Pennington and his magic bus show up on their lawn, the crew transforms their dilapidated shack into a 5000 sq. foot mansion, Jed exclaims "Wee Doggies" when he opens the garage to find a new Prius, Elly May becomes a contestant on Hell's Kitchen, Jethro finally gets himself a cement (pronounced seement) pond, Granny gets busted for selling moonshine, Mrs. Drysdale joins the cast of The Real Housewives of Orange County, Mr. Drysdale ends up in prison for running a Ponzi scheme, and they all live happily ever after.

Once Upon a Time, there was a story of a lovely lady, who was bringing up 3 very lovely girls.  All of them had hair of gold, like their mother, the youngest one in curls.  Here's the story, of a man named Brady, who was busy with 3 boys of his own.  They were 4 men, living all together, yet they were all alone.  Til the one day when the lady met the fellow.  And they knew it was much more than a hunch.  That this group would somehow form a family and that's the way they all became the Brady Bunch.
Today, the Brady's would have a reality show called Carol and Mike Plus Tikes and we'd all tune in weekly to see the unrealistic reality of raising a large family in the twenty-first century. With a cable TV show and Mike's architectural firm booming, and thanks to some creative financing, the Brady's decide to move to 5000 sq. foot home formerly inhabited by The Clampetts. The Brady's loan begins to adjust, the housing market plummets causing Mike's architectural business to fold, their bank account turns to red as their lawn turns to brown, and the Brady's are forced to move after their house was sold to Khloe Kardashian and Lamar Odom on the county court steps. The Brady's marriage begins to strain, reports surface that Carol is cheating with Sam the Butcher, Mike gets photographed leaving a club at 2 am with one of Marsha's friends, the American public realizes the Brady's are far more interesting when they are fighting, the couple decides to divorce, and they all live happily ever after.

Once upon a time, there was a tale.  A tale of a fateful trip, that started on a tropic point aboard a tiny slip.  The mate was a mighty sailin' man.  The skipper brave and sure.  Five passengers set sail that day for a 3 hour tour...a 3 hour tour. The weather started getting rough; the tiny ship was tossed. 
If not for the courage of the fearless crew, the Minnow would be lost...the Minnow would be lost.  No phone(s)! No light(s)! No motor car(s)!  Not a single luxury.  Like Robinson C-ru-soe, it's primitive as can be.
Today, Gilligan and gang would all be contestants on Survivor.  Mrs. Howell would be the first voted off after she expresses to her show-mates that Survivor was nothing more than a free vacation for her.  Mr. Howell is the token old man, calls everyone "Lovey", and gets voted off 2nd when everyone finds out he is already a millionaire.  The Professor is smart enough to produce fire from a leaf and a bobby pin, builds a makeshift transistor radio out of coconuts and seaweed, but isn't bright enough to use the 2 immunity idols he found thus preventing Ginger and The Skipper's secret alliance from booting him off 3rd.  The Skipper is next to go when his island mates get angry at him for constantly berating Gilligan, his excessive flatulence, and the fact he eats 3/4 of the food they have.  Ginger goes down 5th, creates skin care products made purely from coconut extract and sand, makes millions selling the products on QVC, makes an appearance on The Celebrity Apprentice, marries Donald Trump, divorces Donald Trump, poses in Playboy, marries Hugh Hefner, divorces Hugh Hefner, gets into politics, becomes Governor of Alaska, and runs for Vice President in John McCain's failed bid at the Presidency.  The final is between Gilligan and Mary Ann, where it is revealed they've had a showmance since week 1.  Gilligan convinces the jury to vote for Mary Ann, proposes to her after she gets named winner, they do a series of other reality shows together including Gilligan and Mary Ann Get Married, and they all live happily ever after.

Once Upon a Time

What's happened to fairy tales?  Did the Brothers Grimm and Disney just get it so right that we decided to stop with Snow White and Cinderella?  Or are we bombarded with so much information via TV and the Internet that we no longer have any capacity to believe in them?  And if fairy tales were written today, what would they look like?

Once upon a time, Cinderella lost her slipper and the handsome prince searched high and low until he found the foot it fit. 
Today, there would be a reality show for the Prince to pick Cinderella out of 20 women who live together in a mansion in Beverly Hills.  He would ultimately find her, they'd become "friends" on Facebook, exchange cell numbers, and spend a great deal of their work day texting each other.  After dating for a short period, the Prince would find out via US Weekly she is cheating on him with a cast member of The Hills.  Feeling spurned, our hero would send Cinderella an endless stream of texts, stalk her house, and post risque pictures of her on the web.  Naturally, Cinderella would have to get a restraining order, the Prince would finally begin to understand she wasn't interested, he'd become a contestant on The Bachelorette, and they all live happily ever after.

Once upon a time, Hansel and Gretel had a horrible stepmother that neglected them and abandoned them in a forest where they become enslaved by a wicked witch with intents on eating them.  Forced to outwit the witch in order to escape, they return home with an abundant treasure, find out their wicked stepmother is dead, and happily reunite with their remorseful father. 
Today, Hansel and Gretel would be child stars on Disney, making millions acting, singing, dancing, and selling merchandise to every girl ages 8-14.  Hansel would begin drinking at age 15, cause controversy by saying outrageous things about Gretel and Disney execs via Tweet, critically injure his best friend by wrapping his SL500 around a tree after partying all night, and utlimately wind up as a 15 minute spot on Where are They Now.  Gretel would pledge to remain a virgin, begin dating the lead singer from a boy band, forget that she pledged to be a virgin, and then go through a nasty breakup.  Gretel would turn to drugs to dull the pain and have photos of her doing embarrassing things appear on the cover of various celebrity rags.  She'd have several brushes with the law, her father would take control of her massive fortune that she's been wasting away, and she'd be forced to go into rehab to deal with her drug addiction.  After years of personal turmoil, Hansel and Gretel would get their lives in order, pull together a reunion tour, become contestants on Dancing with the Stars, and they all live happily ever after.

Once upon a time, Jack was given 5 magic beans that, once planted, sprouted a giant beanstalk.  Jack climbed the beanstalk 3 times taking home with him gold coins, a golden egg hatching hen, and a magical harp.  Jack cuts down the beanstalk as the giant was chasing him down, causing the giant to come crashing to the ground and the beanstalk to split in half.
Today, Jack would be a radical Berkley Environmentalist who protests any form of urban development.  After finding out the bean stalk is to be cut down in order to erect an Ikea, Jack decides to scale the stalk, set up a stalk house, and refuses to come down until the plans for expansion are aborted.  After several months and multiple lawsuits, the Birkenstock wearing and patchouli smelling Jack is forcibly removed from the bean stalk by local police.  As a PR move, Ikea agrees to use 1% of the store's revenue to buy carbon credits, Jack gets a book deal, begins dating a Victoria Secret model, and they all live happily ever after.

And while I know it's not a fairy tale.....Once upon a time, Superman left Krypton, moved to Metropolis, and became a reporter at the Daily Planet where no one ever put 2 and 2 together to realize Clark Kent and Superman were one in the same.  Upon identifying all sorts of hazards, Superman would find a phone booth, change into his famous red and blue outfit, and use his super powers to save the world.
Today, Superman works at TMZ and is the head of Teamsters Local 31, the superhero labor union.  He is named People's sexiest man alive and is uniformly recognized as the world's most eligible bachelor.  A local school is burning and thanks to the cell phone boom, he is unable to find a phone booth in which to change from Clark Kent to Superman.  He sneaks into an alley, unfortunately in the Castro, where he is photographed in his red and blue tights by a member of the paparazzi.  The photos are broadcast all over the world, his true identity is revealed, and questions immediately begin to surface regarding the nature of his relationship with Jimmy Olsen.  Superman refuses to answer questions regarding his sexuality, saying it's a matter of privacy and nobody's business but his.  He becomes a recluse for several months, marries the daughter of a former Rock and Roll icon, adopts a 7 month old child from Malawi, and they all live happily ever after.

The moral of the story is times have changed.  We build our heroes up only to break them down on the world's biggest stages.  We continually put them on pedestals and under microscopes until they are no longer interesting or until they self destruct.  As a society we want our heroes to be superhuman, yet spend all of our efforts showing how they are the exact opposite.  And our heroes are no better.  They live their lives seeking attention from all of us, desperately doing whatever is necessary to wind up on TV or in a magazine.  When they no longer need the media and all of us, they refuse to grant autographs, hide their faces from photographs, barricade themselves behind large mansion walls, and generally give their adoring public a giant middle finger.

As for me, I hope my life story begins: Once upon a time, a man lived completely without wax.