Once Upon a Time, A Dateline Nursery Rhyme Special

Once Upon a Time, Humpty Dumpty sat on a wall, had a great fall, and all the King’s horses and all the King’s men couldn’t put Humpty together again.

Today, Humpty Dumpty would sue the King and the maker of the wall for improper construction that ultimately led to his fall. John Stossel would do a piece on 20/20 about the dangers of wall sitting in middle-America and how the decline of wall building is the hidden plague of our generation. Protestors would demand reform in the wall building industry and would blame the poor quality of walls on the outsourcing of wall building to China. The Reverand Jesse Jackson and Al Sharpton would be outraged that a White Humpty was getting this much attention when Brown Eggs all over America were faced with far worse tragedies on a daily basis. Congress would get involved and enact Dumpty’s Law which requires the use of a hands free device while sitting on a wall and talking on the phone. Humpty would write a series of cooking books where no recipe is made with eggs, and they all would live happily ever after.

Once Upon a Time, Little Red Riding Hood made a nice lunch for her Grandmother and traipsed through the woods to deliver it. She encountered the Wolf along the way and narrowly escaped being eaten. However, the Wolf had taken a short cut to Grandma’s house, eaten Grandma, posed as Grandma, tried to trick Little Red Riding Hood to come closer to eat her, and was ultimately chased away by a helpful farmer.

Today, the Wolf would be on his way to Grandma’s house to hook up with 13 year old Little Red Riding Hood whom he met on the internet. Upon arriving, he would be shuttled to the backyard where Little Red Riding Hood would offer him a drink and proclaim she was going to change into her little red bikini. The Wolf’s grin would quickly disappear when Chris Hansen appears instead of Little Red Riding Hood, proclaiming the Wolf is the subject of NBC’s “To Catch a Predator.” The Wolf pleads this is the first time he’s ever done such a thing, that he’s really a sheep in wolf’s clothing, and that Little Red Riding Hood is the Girl who cried Wolf. After a 20 minute interview with Hansen, the Wolf bolts out of the backyard, is arrested by the Three Little Pigs, is convicted of soliciting a minor for sex, sent to a straw prison, escapes from the straw prison when he huffs and puffs and blows the prison down, is captured and sent to a stick prison, escapes from the stick prison when he huffs and puffs and blows the prison down, is captured and sent to a brick prison, serves his time, gets released from prison, gets a 2-year contract as a back-up quarterback for the Philadelphia Eagles, and they all live happily ever after.

Once Upon a Time, Jack and Jill went up the hill to fetch a pail of water. Jack fell down, broke his crown, and Jill came tumbling after.

Today, Dateline would have a 2 part episode called, “The Mystery of Jack and the Hill” as part of their Crime Story series. The show would outline how forensic evidence suggests that Jack’s fall was no accident, but rather an elaborate scheme by Jill to murder her husband. Jack and Jill had started dating when he was a star high school athlete and she was the head cheerleader. Jack was nimble and Jack was quick; he even jumped over a candlestick. But soon after they married times got tough. Jack Sprat could eat no fat and his wife could eat no lean. And so betwixt the two of them, they picked their platter clean. They had a son, Little Jack Horner, but he just sat in a corner eating his Christmas pie. And the house that Jack built? Well that’s a long story in and of itself. Jill was a jealous woman, accusing Jack of having affairs with Miss Muffet and even the Old Woman in the Shoe. Paternity tests proved that Jack was not the father of all of the Old Woman’s Children, but Jill remained jealous nonetheless. Jill’s suspicions finally got the best of her when Jack was spotted at the top of the hill with Little Bo Peep. She didn’t believe their story about searching for lost sheep and she pushed them both down the hill in a fit of jealous rage. Jill was arrested, charged with double homicide, released on bail, was involved in a low speed chase on a White Bronco ridden by Yankee Doodle Dandy, was represented in the trial by the Three Blind Mice, was found not guilty, and they all lived happily ever after…at least until Jill was arrested and convicted for armed robbery in a Las Vegas hotel room.