Back by popular demand, I give you another installment of Once Upon a Time. Since this is my blog and I can do anything I like, I'm going to take the liberty of expanding these segments to movies and TV shows along with traditional fairy tales. Hope you enjoy.
Once upon a time, there was a man named Jed; a poor mountaineer who barely kept is family fed. Then one day as he was searching for some food, up from the ground came a bubbling crude...oil that is, black gold, Texas tea. Well, the next thing you know ole Jed's a millionaire. Kin folk say, "Jed move away from here. California is the place you outta be." So Jed loaded up the truck and he moved to Beverly....Hills that is. Swimming pools. Movie Stars.
Today, Jed would be an Iraq war veteran who has returned home a broken man with a broken body, only to find out that his wife of 30 years has died in a mass shooting at a health club. Jed is out of work and unable to care for his family, yet still finds a way to be a foster parent for babies born with crack and alcohol addictions. Jethro and Elly May are forced to share a small broom closet as a room and Granny runs a soup kitchen off her back porch. Their house is in complete disrepair, much too small to accommodate their philanthropic efforts, and their story is submitted to ABC for inclusion on Extreme Makeover: Home Edition. One morning Ty Pennington and his magic bus show up on their lawn, the crew transforms their dilapidated shack into a 5000 sq. foot mansion, Jed exclaims "Wee Doggies" when he opens the garage to find a new Prius, Elly May becomes a contestant on Hell's Kitchen, Jethro finally gets himself a cement (pronounced seement) pond, Granny gets busted for selling moonshine, Mrs. Drysdale joins the cast of The Real Housewives of Orange County, Mr. Drysdale ends up in prison for running a Ponzi scheme, and they all live happily ever after.
Once Upon a Time, there was a story of a lovely lady, who was bringing up 3 very lovely girls. All of them had hair of gold, like their mother, the youngest one in curls. Here's the story, of a man named Brady, who was busy with 3 boys of his own. They were 4 men, living all together, yet they were all alone. Til the one day when the lady met the fellow. And they knew it was much more than a hunch. That this group would somehow form a family and that's the way they all became the Brady Bunch.
Today, the Brady's would have a reality show called Carol and Mike Plus Tikes and we'd all tune in weekly to see the unrealistic reality of raising a large family in the twenty-first century. With a cable TV show and Mike's architectural firm booming, and thanks to some creative financing, the Brady's decide to move to 5000 sq. foot home formerly inhabited by The Clampetts. The Brady's loan begins to adjust, the housing market plummets causing Mike's architectural business to fold, their bank account turns to red as their lawn turns to brown, and the Brady's are forced to move after their house was sold to Khloe Kardashian and Lamar Odom on the county court steps. The Brady's marriage begins to strain, reports surface that Carol is cheating with Sam the Butcher, Mike gets photographed leaving a club at 2 am with one of Marsha's friends, the American public realizes the Brady's are far more interesting when they are fighting, the couple decides to divorce, and they all live happily ever after.
Once upon a time, there was a tale. A tale of a fateful trip, that started on a tropic point aboard a tiny slip. The mate was a mighty sailin' man. The skipper brave and sure. Five passengers set sail that day for a 3 hour tour...a 3 hour tour. The weather started getting rough; the tiny ship was tossed.
If not for the courage of the fearless crew, the Minnow would be lost...the Minnow would be lost. No phone(s)! No light(s)! No motor car(s)! Not a single luxury. Like Robinson C-ru-soe, it's primitive as can be.
Today, Gilligan and gang would all be contestants on Survivor. Mrs. Howell would be the first voted off after she expresses to her show-mates that Survivor was nothing more than a free vacation for her. Mr. Howell is the token old man, calls everyone "Lovey", and gets voted off 2nd when everyone finds out he is already a millionaire. The Professor is smart enough to produce fire from a leaf and a bobby pin, builds a makeshift transistor radio out of coconuts and seaweed, but isn't bright enough to use the 2 immunity idols he found thus preventing Ginger and The Skipper's secret alliance from booting him off 3rd. The Skipper is next to go when his island mates get angry at him for constantly berating Gilligan, his excessive flatulence, and the fact he eats 3/4 of the food they have. Ginger goes down 5th, creates skin care products made purely from coconut extract and sand, makes millions selling the products on QVC, makes an appearance on The Celebrity Apprentice, marries Donald Trump, divorces Donald Trump, poses in Playboy, marries Hugh Hefner, divorces Hugh Hefner, gets into politics, becomes Governor of Alaska, and runs for Vice President in John McCain's failed bid at the Presidency. The final is between Gilligan and Mary Ann, where it is revealed they've had a showmance since week 1. Gilligan convinces the jury to vote for Mary Ann, proposes to her after she gets named winner, they do a series of other reality shows together including Gilligan and Mary Ann Get Married, and they all live happily ever after.
Monday, September 28, 2009
Wednesday, September 23, 2009
Once Upon a Time
What's happened to fairy tales? Did the Brothers Grimm and Disney just get it so right that we decided to stop with Snow White and Cinderella? Or are we bombarded with so much information via TV and the Internet that we no longer have any capacity to believe in them? And if fairy tales were written today, what would they look like?
Once upon a time, Cinderella lost her slipper and the handsome prince searched high and low until he found the foot it fit.
Today, there would be a reality show for the Prince to pick Cinderella out of 20 women who live together in a mansion in Beverly Hills. He would ultimately find her, they'd become "friends" on Facebook, exchange cell numbers, and spend a great deal of their work day texting each other. After dating for a short period, the Prince would find out via US Weekly she is cheating on him with a cast member of The Hills. Feeling spurned, our hero would send Cinderella an endless stream of texts, stalk her house, and post risque pictures of her on the web. Naturally, Cinderella would have to get a restraining order, the Prince would finally begin to understand she wasn't interested, he'd become a contestant on The Bachelorette, and they all live happily ever after.
Once upon a time, Hansel and Gretel had a horrible stepmother that neglected them and abandoned them in a forest where they become enslaved by a wicked witch with intents on eating them. Forced to outwit the witch in order to escape, they return home with an abundant treasure, find out their wicked stepmother is dead, and happily reunite with their remorseful father.
Today, Hansel and Gretel would be child stars on Disney, making millions acting, singing, dancing, and selling merchandise to every girl ages 8-14. Hansel would begin drinking at age 15, cause controversy by saying outrageous things about Gretel and Disney execs via Tweet, critically injure his best friend by wrapping his SL500 around a tree after partying all night, and utlimately wind up as a 15 minute spot on Where are They Now. Gretel would pledge to remain a virgin, begin dating the lead singer from a boy band, forget that she pledged to be a virgin, and then go through a nasty breakup. Gretel would turn to drugs to dull the pain and have photos of her doing embarrassing things appear on the cover of various celebrity rags. She'd have several brushes with the law, her father would take control of her massive fortune that she's been wasting away, and she'd be forced to go into rehab to deal with her drug addiction. After years of personal turmoil, Hansel and Gretel would get their lives in order, pull together a reunion tour, become contestants on Dancing with the Stars, and they all live happily ever after.
Once upon a time, Jack was given 5 magic beans that, once planted, sprouted a giant beanstalk. Jack climbed the beanstalk 3 times taking home with him gold coins, a golden egg hatching hen, and a magical harp. Jack cuts down the beanstalk as the giant was chasing him down, causing the giant to come crashing to the ground and the beanstalk to split in half.
Today, Jack would be a radical Berkley Environmentalist who protests any form of urban development. After finding out the bean stalk is to be cut down in order to erect an Ikea, Jack decides to scale the stalk, set up a stalk house, and refuses to come down until the plans for expansion are aborted. After several months and multiple lawsuits, the Birkenstock wearing and patchouli smelling Jack is forcibly removed from the bean stalk by local police. As a PR move, Ikea agrees to use 1% of the store's revenue to buy carbon credits, Jack gets a book deal, begins dating a Victoria Secret model, and they all live happily ever after.
And while I know it's not a fairy tale.....Once upon a time, Superman left Krypton, moved to Metropolis, and became a reporter at the Daily Planet where no one ever put 2 and 2 together to realize Clark Kent and Superman were one in the same. Upon identifying all sorts of hazards, Superman would find a phone booth, change into his famous red and blue outfit, and use his super powers to save the world.
Today, Superman works at TMZ and is the head of Teamsters Local 31, the superhero labor union. He is named People's sexiest man alive and is uniformly recognized as the world's most eligible bachelor. A local school is burning and thanks to the cell phone boom, he is unable to find a phone booth in which to change from Clark Kent to Superman. He sneaks into an alley, unfortunately in the Castro, where he is photographed in his red and blue tights by a member of the paparazzi. The photos are broadcast all over the world, his true identity is revealed, and questions immediately begin to surface regarding the nature of his relationship with Jimmy Olsen. Superman refuses to answer questions regarding his sexuality, saying it's a matter of privacy and nobody's business but his. He becomes a recluse for several months, marries the daughter of a former Rock and Roll icon, adopts a 7 month old child from Malawi, and they all live happily ever after.
The moral of the story is times have changed. We build our heroes up only to break them down on the world's biggest stages. We continually put them on pedestals and under microscopes until they are no longer interesting or until they self destruct. As a society we want our heroes to be superhuman, yet spend all of our efforts showing how they are the exact opposite. And our heroes are no better. They live their lives seeking attention from all of us, desperately doing whatever is necessary to wind up on TV or in a magazine. When they no longer need the media and all of us, they refuse to grant autographs, hide their faces from photographs, barricade themselves behind large mansion walls, and generally give their adoring public a giant middle finger.
As for me, I hope my life story begins: Once upon a time, a man lived completely without wax.
Once upon a time, Cinderella lost her slipper and the handsome prince searched high and low until he found the foot it fit.
Today, there would be a reality show for the Prince to pick Cinderella out of 20 women who live together in a mansion in Beverly Hills. He would ultimately find her, they'd become "friends" on Facebook, exchange cell numbers, and spend a great deal of their work day texting each other. After dating for a short period, the Prince would find out via US Weekly she is cheating on him with a cast member of The Hills. Feeling spurned, our hero would send Cinderella an endless stream of texts, stalk her house, and post risque pictures of her on the web. Naturally, Cinderella would have to get a restraining order, the Prince would finally begin to understand she wasn't interested, he'd become a contestant on The Bachelorette, and they all live happily ever after.
Once upon a time, Hansel and Gretel had a horrible stepmother that neglected them and abandoned them in a forest where they become enslaved by a wicked witch with intents on eating them. Forced to outwit the witch in order to escape, they return home with an abundant treasure, find out their wicked stepmother is dead, and happily reunite with their remorseful father.
Today, Hansel and Gretel would be child stars on Disney, making millions acting, singing, dancing, and selling merchandise to every girl ages 8-14. Hansel would begin drinking at age 15, cause controversy by saying outrageous things about Gretel and Disney execs via Tweet, critically injure his best friend by wrapping his SL500 around a tree after partying all night, and utlimately wind up as a 15 minute spot on Where are They Now. Gretel would pledge to remain a virgin, begin dating the lead singer from a boy band, forget that she pledged to be a virgin, and then go through a nasty breakup. Gretel would turn to drugs to dull the pain and have photos of her doing embarrassing things appear on the cover of various celebrity rags. She'd have several brushes with the law, her father would take control of her massive fortune that she's been wasting away, and she'd be forced to go into rehab to deal with her drug addiction. After years of personal turmoil, Hansel and Gretel would get their lives in order, pull together a reunion tour, become contestants on Dancing with the Stars, and they all live happily ever after.
Once upon a time, Jack was given 5 magic beans that, once planted, sprouted a giant beanstalk. Jack climbed the beanstalk 3 times taking home with him gold coins, a golden egg hatching hen, and a magical harp. Jack cuts down the beanstalk as the giant was chasing him down, causing the giant to come crashing to the ground and the beanstalk to split in half.
Today, Jack would be a radical Berkley Environmentalist who protests any form of urban development. After finding out the bean stalk is to be cut down in order to erect an Ikea, Jack decides to scale the stalk, set up a stalk house, and refuses to come down until the plans for expansion are aborted. After several months and multiple lawsuits, the Birkenstock wearing and patchouli smelling Jack is forcibly removed from the bean stalk by local police. As a PR move, Ikea agrees to use 1% of the store's revenue to buy carbon credits, Jack gets a book deal, begins dating a Victoria Secret model, and they all live happily ever after.
And while I know it's not a fairy tale.....Once upon a time, Superman left Krypton, moved to Metropolis, and became a reporter at the Daily Planet where no one ever put 2 and 2 together to realize Clark Kent and Superman were one in the same. Upon identifying all sorts of hazards, Superman would find a phone booth, change into his famous red and blue outfit, and use his super powers to save the world.
Today, Superman works at TMZ and is the head of Teamsters Local 31, the superhero labor union. He is named People's sexiest man alive and is uniformly recognized as the world's most eligible bachelor. A local school is burning and thanks to the cell phone boom, he is unable to find a phone booth in which to change from Clark Kent to Superman. He sneaks into an alley, unfortunately in the Castro, where he is photographed in his red and blue tights by a member of the paparazzi. The photos are broadcast all over the world, his true identity is revealed, and questions immediately begin to surface regarding the nature of his relationship with Jimmy Olsen. Superman refuses to answer questions regarding his sexuality, saying it's a matter of privacy and nobody's business but his. He becomes a recluse for several months, marries the daughter of a former Rock and Roll icon, adopts a 7 month old child from Malawi, and they all live happily ever after.
The moral of the story is times have changed. We build our heroes up only to break them down on the world's biggest stages. We continually put them on pedestals and under microscopes until they are no longer interesting or until they self destruct. As a society we want our heroes to be superhuman, yet spend all of our efforts showing how they are the exact opposite. And our heroes are no better. They live their lives seeking attention from all of us, desperately doing whatever is necessary to wind up on TV or in a magazine. When they no longer need the media and all of us, they refuse to grant autographs, hide their faces from photographs, barricade themselves behind large mansion walls, and generally give their adoring public a giant middle finger.
As for me, I hope my life story begins: Once upon a time, a man lived completely without wax.
Monday, September 21, 2009
The Moonside of the Flip
I’d like to believe a world exists where you do things in reverse order from how it’s done in our world. Where the last step becomes the first. Where the final chapter is on page 1. I want to believe we don’t always have it right; that you don’t need to wet your hair before you apply the shampoo, instead the instructions read repeat, rinse, lather. I would find it comforting to have products such as before shave, poster (rather than primer), and make-up that would be applied before you shower. Naturally, dinner would be eaten in the morning, lunch would still be mid-day, and breakfast would be eaten in the evening. Then again, in opposite world, the evening would be morning and morning would be evening, so I suppose you’d still be eating your meals in their pre-destined slots.
In oppo world, the stop light was created before there were cars. Jails were created before there were criminals. The Internet was created before the computer, and both of which were created by Tipper Gore instead of Al.
On the flip side, we've never had a male President, Republicans and Democrats actually get along, our government operates in a surplus, and people are voted into public office based on their worth instead of the familiarity of their name.
As for sports, most basketball players are White, most hockey players are Black, the New York Yankees haven’t won the World Series since 1908, and Tiger Woods caddies for Steve Williams…on the Converse tour.
Men have womenstrual cycles called commas and women ask whether their clothes make them look skinny.
People get divorced before they get married and have kids after they get married.
Water is full of calories, jelly beans are packed with beta carotene, hippies are meatatarians, brownies are a food group, and pizza is a primary component of all weight loss programs.
There are constitutional amendments banning prostate exams, cigarette smoking, mushrooms, the common cold, high energy bills, seeded grapes, pulp in orange juice, and patchouli.
And last, but certainly not least, Ishtar is the greatest movie of all time, home loans are given to people who can afford them, there are more humorists than terrorists, the chicken comes before the egg, Britney Spears is a member of the 700 Club, people actually read this Blog, the Magic 8 Ball accurately predicts the future, toxic relationships come with surgeon general warnings, cars have more gas the more they are driven, oil producing countries are appreciative of Americans for continuing to have a use for what would otherwise be thousands of square miles of useless sand, workers stay home well, AT&T never drops a call, MAC’s are virus prone, and most importantly the sun revolves around the moon.
In oppo world, the stop light was created before there were cars. Jails were created before there were criminals. The Internet was created before the computer, and both of which were created by Tipper Gore instead of Al.
On the flip side, we've never had a male President, Republicans and Democrats actually get along, our government operates in a surplus, and people are voted into public office based on their worth instead of the familiarity of their name.
As for sports, most basketball players are White, most hockey players are Black, the New York Yankees haven’t won the World Series since 1908, and Tiger Woods caddies for Steve Williams…on the Converse tour.
Men have womenstrual cycles called commas and women ask whether their clothes make them look skinny.
People get divorced before they get married and have kids after they get married.
Water is full of calories, jelly beans are packed with beta carotene, hippies are meatatarians, brownies are a food group, and pizza is a primary component of all weight loss programs.
There are constitutional amendments banning prostate exams, cigarette smoking, mushrooms, the common cold, high energy bills, seeded grapes, pulp in orange juice, and patchouli.
And last, but certainly not least, Ishtar is the greatest movie of all time, home loans are given to people who can afford them, there are more humorists than terrorists, the chicken comes before the egg, Britney Spears is a member of the 700 Club, people actually read this Blog, the Magic 8 Ball accurately predicts the future, toxic relationships come with surgeon general warnings, cars have more gas the more they are driven, oil producing countries are appreciative of Americans for continuing to have a use for what would otherwise be thousands of square miles of useless sand, workers stay home well, AT&T never drops a call, MAC’s are virus prone, and most importantly the sun revolves around the moon.
Friday, September 18, 2009
When I meet God
Through grace alone I know I have a chance to meet God some day. And, while I hope that day is in the very distant future, I can only dream that I get the chance for a 30 minute sit down with Him to find out all of the world's mysteries.
I hope to find out from Him why it takes tender care, watering, proper soil, just the right amount of sun, and good fortune to grow a flower when weeds will grow endlessly with no effort at all.
I hope to understand why he's cursed the loyal, faithful, devoted Cubs fans for so long while the annoying, fickle, angry Yankees fans are so regularly rewarded.
I'm interested to find out what would have happened if Adam and Eve didn't eat the apple. Would the Bible and Jesus still exist? How would their stories be different?
I'd like to understand His rationale for giving us free will...we clearly can't handle it.
I'd like to find out if he intended for blondes to have more fun or if that's just the way it worked out.
I want to know why Charles Manson is still alive and Princess Diana is dead.
I'm curious to know that if we were made in His own image, does He also regularly get kidney stones, suffer from lactose intolerance, snore when He's sleeping, have allergies only in Indiana, get agitated when He's hungry, and tear up every time He watches the movie Rudy.
And finally, I want to know when Jesus will return, where all of the single socks lost in the laundry have gone, where Jimmy Hoffa was buried, who shot JFK, the chicken or the egg, why the really cute girl I walked past every day in college never gave me the time of day, whether dogs have feelings and why cats couldn't care less, if He likes Swedish Fish, whether everyone has a specific quality that could make them the Tiger Woods of their area, is He on Facebook, what's on His iPod, did He ever pop in to check up on me, was I a success or failure in His eyes, is He disappointed, why it was necessary for finger and toe nails to grow, what use tonsils had at one point, why He clearly is a New England sports fan, whether He thinks the Godfather or Star Wars was the greatest trilogy of all time, whether He would have voted for Obama, does He drive a Prius, did He ever do the macarena, was Beer created just so we could have at least one decent commercial on TV, if He too thinks speed humps were a useless invention, roundabouts or stop signs, Beatles or Beach Boys, the biggest mistake I ever made, do we ever make Him proud, and why microwave popcorn won't pop once the bag is opened.
Tuesday, September 15, 2009
Random Thoughts of Mindlessness
1) I feel sorry for Patrick Swayze. Not only because he had cancer and not only because he died far too young. I feel sorry for him because he will forever be remembered in tributes as The Dirty Dancing Guy. As if that is not bad enough, he also uttered what is likely the worst line in movie history, "Nobody puts Baby in a corner."
2) I don't understand how people can brush their teeth in a public restroom. Clearly they care about hygiene or else they wouldn't be doing the midday brush in the first place. But why in a public bathroom? Maybe Ladies' rooms are different, in fact I'm sure they are, but the Men's room in most public places can best be described as one of the levels in Dante's Circles of Hell.
3) I don't get cuff links. Moreover, I don't get why people still wear them. I need someone to explain to me why expensive shirts have buttons on the front, but not on the arms. I need someone to explain to me why they want to spend money to buy something that keeps your sleeve from rolling up. Maybe there was a time for them. I can see at some point in history where having cuff links was a sign of stature or possibly the only way to get a great quality shirt made. Now, I think it's just a subtle way for people to say they are better, smarter, more intellectual and have more money than you.
4) Why are there laugh tracks on sitcoms? Either the producers/writers don't think we are smart enough to get their jokes or they think their jokes are not good enough to make us laugh. They are so prevalent now that I hardly ever hear the laugh. Is that the intent? Is there some subliminal message built in that will make me continue to watch such horrible shows as Punky Brewster and Alf? Why are there no crying tracks, or cheering tracks, or moaning & groaning tracks for other types of shows?
5) When did we get to the point as a society that it was necessary to make every child feel like a winner? When did we decide that merely playing a sport guarantees you a trophy? When did we decide that every child needs a snack after playing? Why do parents feel the need to outdo everyone else when it comes to the snack game? Week 1 you can get away with a box of juice and chopped apples, but by week 10 people are grilling Filet Mignon and serving Tiara Misu. I think sports are just an indicator of how we've gone soft as a society and possibly one of the many reasons why we are being passed by much less developed countries. We have no drive. We have no need to succeed because someone has told us since birth that no matter what we do we are just as good as everyone else. We are rewarded for mediocrity and, worse yet, we are not rewarded for the exceptional. Why is it wrong to earn a trophy by winning? Why is it wrong to keep score of a game? Why is it wrong to play good players more than bad ones? Why is it wrong to actually want to encourage kids to do more than they ever thought they could?
6) Nothing gives me greater satisfaction than coming up to an elevator and realizing it's on the same floor as I am. I love hitting the button and seeing the doors open. It's like an old friend opening their arms in a warm embrace.
7) While we are on the topic of elevators, why are people so anti-social in them? Have you ever noticed that if 5 people get into an elevator they will line themselves all around the outside and stare at the floor, ceiling, or straight ahead? Turning your head from side to side is strictly forbidden and making eye contact with someone else is an offense punishable by death.
8) Have you ever noticed in meetings that people tend to take a drink of something right after they speak? I suppose it's a nervous habit that somehow acts as a shield to protect them from the judging eyes of those around them.
9) There used to be a dietary supplement called Ayds (Pronounced Aids). Seriously, there was. It was popular in the late 70's and early 80's right up until...... I actually thought the pills were the cause of the Aids disease as apparently millions of others did as well. By the mid-80's sales had dropped nearly 50% because of the disease. Take a look at one of the old commercials and imagine the PR nightmare caused by the unintentional similarities to the wasting away associated with the Aids virus. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lANAkOMa-6k
10) I love being next in line. In many ways it's better than being "at the counter" because once you are there, your clock starts counting down to when you have to leave. Next in line means you have the next possible opportunity to get what you want. It means you don't have to wait much longer. You actually can see the light at the end of the tunnel. You may think I'm going a little overboard on this one, but think for a minute when you are dead last in a long line. It feels like crap. It feels like you have no chance at all to do what you came to do. You actually get angry at the people in front of you, as if they have somehow intruded on your mission to achieve your Holy Grail. Ahh, but then you crawl towards the front, step by step, until you realize you are next in line. It's a great feeling. The only downside with being next in line is you always run the risk of what you waited so long to get, being taken by the person already at the counter.
2) I don't understand how people can brush their teeth in a public restroom. Clearly they care about hygiene or else they wouldn't be doing the midday brush in the first place. But why in a public bathroom? Maybe Ladies' rooms are different, in fact I'm sure they are, but the Men's room in most public places can best be described as one of the levels in Dante's Circles of Hell.
3) I don't get cuff links. Moreover, I don't get why people still wear them. I need someone to explain to me why expensive shirts have buttons on the front, but not on the arms. I need someone to explain to me why they want to spend money to buy something that keeps your sleeve from rolling up. Maybe there was a time for them. I can see at some point in history where having cuff links was a sign of stature or possibly the only way to get a great quality shirt made. Now, I think it's just a subtle way for people to say they are better, smarter, more intellectual and have more money than you.
4) Why are there laugh tracks on sitcoms? Either the producers/writers don't think we are smart enough to get their jokes or they think their jokes are not good enough to make us laugh. They are so prevalent now that I hardly ever hear the laugh. Is that the intent? Is there some subliminal message built in that will make me continue to watch such horrible shows as Punky Brewster and Alf? Why are there no crying tracks, or cheering tracks, or moaning & groaning tracks for other types of shows?
5) When did we get to the point as a society that it was necessary to make every child feel like a winner? When did we decide that merely playing a sport guarantees you a trophy? When did we decide that every child needs a snack after playing? Why do parents feel the need to outdo everyone else when it comes to the snack game? Week 1 you can get away with a box of juice and chopped apples, but by week 10 people are grilling Filet Mignon and serving Tiara Misu. I think sports are just an indicator of how we've gone soft as a society and possibly one of the many reasons why we are being passed by much less developed countries. We have no drive. We have no need to succeed because someone has told us since birth that no matter what we do we are just as good as everyone else. We are rewarded for mediocrity and, worse yet, we are not rewarded for the exceptional. Why is it wrong to earn a trophy by winning? Why is it wrong to keep score of a game? Why is it wrong to play good players more than bad ones? Why is it wrong to actually want to encourage kids to do more than they ever thought they could?
6) Nothing gives me greater satisfaction than coming up to an elevator and realizing it's on the same floor as I am. I love hitting the button and seeing the doors open. It's like an old friend opening their arms in a warm embrace.
7) While we are on the topic of elevators, why are people so anti-social in them? Have you ever noticed that if 5 people get into an elevator they will line themselves all around the outside and stare at the floor, ceiling, or straight ahead? Turning your head from side to side is strictly forbidden and making eye contact with someone else is an offense punishable by death.
8) Have you ever noticed in meetings that people tend to take a drink of something right after they speak? I suppose it's a nervous habit that somehow acts as a shield to protect them from the judging eyes of those around them.
9) There used to be a dietary supplement called Ayds (Pronounced Aids). Seriously, there was. It was popular in the late 70's and early 80's right up until...... I actually thought the pills were the cause of the Aids disease as apparently millions of others did as well. By the mid-80's sales had dropped nearly 50% because of the disease. Take a look at one of the old commercials and imagine the PR nightmare caused by the unintentional similarities to the wasting away associated with the Aids virus. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lANAkOMa-6k
10) I love being next in line. In many ways it's better than being "at the counter" because once you are there, your clock starts counting down to when you have to leave. Next in line means you have the next possible opportunity to get what you want. It means you don't have to wait much longer. You actually can see the light at the end of the tunnel. You may think I'm going a little overboard on this one, but think for a minute when you are dead last in a long line. It feels like crap. It feels like you have no chance at all to do what you came to do. You actually get angry at the people in front of you, as if they have somehow intruded on your mission to achieve your Holy Grail. Ahh, but then you crawl towards the front, step by step, until you realize you are next in line. It's a great feeling. The only downside with being next in line is you always run the risk of what you waited so long to get, being taken by the person already at the counter.
Monday, September 14, 2009
Mrs. God
I'll start by saying I'm a believer. And not just in a way so you don't feel guilty when someone asks you if you have faith or believe in God. So this is in no way an attempt at blasphemy or in no way meant to disparage any religion or belief. However, I got to thinking the other day about what it would be like for God if he was married. But before I post, some background. According to the bible, God and Jesus are one, therefore I'm using Mrs. God as the spouse for both God and Jesus related events. Probably not biblically correct, but neither is giving the Alpha and Omega a wife. My top 10 thoughts:
1) Mrs. God on the Temptation (Genesis 3:1-24): "I told you giving them free-will was a mistake, but would you listen? NOOOO. Why listen to the woman? What could she possibly know about creating an entire human race. I suppose you think you know everything!"
2) Mrs. God on the Flood (Genesis 6-9): "I told you 2 months ago to handle the boarding of the pets. We're going on vacation in 3 days and you still haven't found a place for our animals."
3) Mrs. God on Jesus Returning (The Revelation): "Are you going to do something with that World? It's been sitting there doing nothing for 10,000 years and you keep telling me you'll get to it. It's a mess and an eyesore. Either you fix it or I'm calling someone to haul it away."
4) Mrs. God on The Tower of Babel (Genesis 11): "No, I do not think that is an appropriate tribute to my mother."
5) Mrs. God on Feeding the 5000 (Matthew 14:13-21): "We have some friends over and you forget to order food? Are you kidding me? Why do I have to do everything? Why is it my responsibility to take care of all the details? And what are we going to drink? I don't think that water is going to magically turn into wine."
6) Mrs. God on the Apostles: "I don't mind your friends coming to visit. I really don't. But when are they going to leave? Why is Peter always listening to the Counting Crows? And I know you really don't like Judas, but he's my sister's husband and it's important to me that you both get along."
6) Mrs. God on Job (Book of Job): "When I told you to get a J.O.B., I was referring to work."
7) Mrs. God on Moses Wandering for 40 years (Exodus): "The two of you just couldn't stop for a minute and ask for directions, could you?"
8) Mrs. God on the Burning Bush (Exodus 3:1-5): "GOD!! I know you were sneaking a smoke outside again. Don't even try to hide it from me this time."
9) Mrs. God on the 10 Commandments (Exodus 20): "Your name is God after all and I was pointing out a blockage in the river. I don't think you needed a commandment for that."
10) Mrs. God on Joseph and the Coat (Gen. 37-50): "The poor boy already gets teased because of his love of music theater and Judy Garland and you had to get him that for his birthday?"
1) Mrs. God on the Temptation (Genesis 3:1-24): "I told you giving them free-will was a mistake, but would you listen? NOOOO. Why listen to the woman? What could she possibly know about creating an entire human race. I suppose you think you know everything!"
2) Mrs. God on the Flood (Genesis 6-9): "I told you 2 months ago to handle the boarding of the pets. We're going on vacation in 3 days and you still haven't found a place for our animals."
3) Mrs. God on Jesus Returning (The Revelation): "Are you going to do something with that World? It's been sitting there doing nothing for 10,000 years and you keep telling me you'll get to it. It's a mess and an eyesore. Either you fix it or I'm calling someone to haul it away."
4) Mrs. God on The Tower of Babel (Genesis 11): "No, I do not think that is an appropriate tribute to my mother."
5) Mrs. God on Feeding the 5000 (Matthew 14:13-21): "We have some friends over and you forget to order food? Are you kidding me? Why do I have to do everything? Why is it my responsibility to take care of all the details? And what are we going to drink? I don't think that water is going to magically turn into wine."
6) Mrs. God on the Apostles: "I don't mind your friends coming to visit. I really don't. But when are they going to leave? Why is Peter always listening to the Counting Crows? And I know you really don't like Judas, but he's my sister's husband and it's important to me that you both get along."
6) Mrs. God on Job (Book of Job): "When I told you to get a J.O.B., I was referring to work."
7) Mrs. God on Moses Wandering for 40 years (Exodus): "The two of you just couldn't stop for a minute and ask for directions, could you?"
8) Mrs. God on the Burning Bush (Exodus 3:1-5): "GOD!! I know you were sneaking a smoke outside again. Don't even try to hide it from me this time."
9) Mrs. God on the 10 Commandments (Exodus 20): "Your name is God after all and I was pointing out a blockage in the river. I don't think you needed a commandment for that."
10) Mrs. God on Joseph and the Coat (Gen. 37-50): "The poor boy already gets teased because of his love of music theater and Judy Garland and you had to get him that for his birthday?"
Friday, September 11, 2009
Things that Annoy Me
1) People who drive slowly in the fast lane: Pay attention next time this happens. I think you'll find that a large majority of the time it is someone driving a pickup or an SUV.
2) People who put the Apple sticker on PC's: Yes, I get it. You are a MAC person who is forced by your company to use a PC and you just can't resist your little hint of civil disobedience. I can't believe your company has the nerve to buy you a brand new PC that doesn't allow you to easily view multi-media at work and doesn't come pre-loaded with iTunes. The nerve of them. Just another way "The Man" is trying to keep you down.
3) Toothpaste Tubes: Why do I have to work so hard to get all of the toothpaste out? Instead of creating a new toothpaste that turns colors when my all of my teeth are brushed, just fix the damn tube so I can get what I've paid for.
4) People who give exact change: Why is it so important for people to pay for things with the exact change? Don't they know there are people waiting in line behind them? Is it really that big of a deal to get $.37 back? Is this something that happens to you when you turn 50? And how did they get all of that change to begin with if they are always paying the bill to the penny?
5) People who pay by check: Why on earth does anyone need to pay for anything, other than an occasional bill, by check? Why do you insist on writing a check when there are 53 people behind you in line? Why do stores even accept checks? Why do those check writing people only start writing the check once the final total is tallied? I understand you don't yet know the amount, but I'm pretty sure the name of the store and the current date are not going to change while she is ringing up your groceries. And why do you have to fill in your check register while you are still standing in front of me in line?
6) Compact Parking Spots: I'd rather you just admit that you didn't have enough room to build an appropriately sized parking lot instead of making 3/4 of the spaces only big enough for a Yugo (Yes, you heard me right, Yugo...I refuse to even mention the word "Smart" car. Damn...I just did). And what is the point of the compact space? Was it some failed attempt to encourage us to buy smaller cars? Don't they know that pickup truck and SUV drivers just don't care about the laws of the road?
7) Handicap spaces at Gyms: I'll refrain from poking at handicapped spaces in general, although I do believe they are one of the most abused public traffic perks in the World. However, I cannot hide my complete disdain for handicapped spaces at a Gym. I'm sorry, but if you are capable enough to go work out, then you are capable enough to park where I do.
8) People who post their every move on Facebook: I hate to admit it, but I see the value of Facebook in general. I'm even a member and do enjoy catching up with old friends from time to time. But I don't care what you need in order to get to level 111 on Mafia Wars. I don't care what color my kiss is. I don't want you to send me a shot of Patron on a Friday. I don't care which member you are of the Brady Bunch, Melrose Place, Gilligans Island, or any other long lost TV program. I don't care if you are bored, whether you love your hubby, if you are bloated, what you had for dinner, when you are going to bed, what you are currently doing on vacation, what your 3 year old just fell into, what you are cooking for dinner, what your birthday is, or whether or not you are stressed. Enough said.
9) People who wear shorts and hats to work: You either don't care or you've given up.
10) Crying babies, sticky hands, missing socks, people who change my car seat or rear view mirror placement, decaf coffee, bleu cheese, ear wax, chalk, flies, stale bread, dry cake, foreign speaking drive through attendants, ATM surcharges, warm pillows, tags on shirts, cats, dry hands, chapped lips, and bad air conditioners. Did I miss anything?
2) People who put the Apple sticker on PC's: Yes, I get it. You are a MAC person who is forced by your company to use a PC and you just can't resist your little hint of civil disobedience. I can't believe your company has the nerve to buy you a brand new PC that doesn't allow you to easily view multi-media at work and doesn't come pre-loaded with iTunes. The nerve of them. Just another way "The Man" is trying to keep you down.
3) Toothpaste Tubes: Why do I have to work so hard to get all of the toothpaste out? Instead of creating a new toothpaste that turns colors when my all of my teeth are brushed, just fix the damn tube so I can get what I've paid for.
4) People who give exact change: Why is it so important for people to pay for things with the exact change? Don't they know there are people waiting in line behind them? Is it really that big of a deal to get $.37 back? Is this something that happens to you when you turn 50? And how did they get all of that change to begin with if they are always paying the bill to the penny?
5) People who pay by check: Why on earth does anyone need to pay for anything, other than an occasional bill, by check? Why do you insist on writing a check when there are 53 people behind you in line? Why do stores even accept checks? Why do those check writing people only start writing the check once the final total is tallied? I understand you don't yet know the amount, but I'm pretty sure the name of the store and the current date are not going to change while she is ringing up your groceries. And why do you have to fill in your check register while you are still standing in front of me in line?
6) Compact Parking Spots: I'd rather you just admit that you didn't have enough room to build an appropriately sized parking lot instead of making 3/4 of the spaces only big enough for a Yugo (Yes, you heard me right, Yugo...I refuse to even mention the word "Smart" car. Damn...I just did). And what is the point of the compact space? Was it some failed attempt to encourage us to buy smaller cars? Don't they know that pickup truck and SUV drivers just don't care about the laws of the road?
7) Handicap spaces at Gyms: I'll refrain from poking at handicapped spaces in general, although I do believe they are one of the most abused public traffic perks in the World. However, I cannot hide my complete disdain for handicapped spaces at a Gym. I'm sorry, but if you are capable enough to go work out, then you are capable enough to park where I do.
8) People who post their every move on Facebook: I hate to admit it, but I see the value of Facebook in general. I'm even a member and do enjoy catching up with old friends from time to time. But I don't care what you need in order to get to level 111 on Mafia Wars. I don't care what color my kiss is. I don't want you to send me a shot of Patron on a Friday. I don't care which member you are of the Brady Bunch, Melrose Place, Gilligans Island, or any other long lost TV program. I don't care if you are bored, whether you love your hubby, if you are bloated, what you had for dinner, when you are going to bed, what you are currently doing on vacation, what your 3 year old just fell into, what you are cooking for dinner, what your birthday is, or whether or not you are stressed. Enough said.
9) People who wear shorts and hats to work: You either don't care or you've given up.
10) Crying babies, sticky hands, missing socks, people who change my car seat or rear view mirror placement, decaf coffee, bleu cheese, ear wax, chalk, flies, stale bread, dry cake, foreign speaking drive through attendants, ATM surcharges, warm pillows, tags on shirts, cats, dry hands, chapped lips, and bad air conditioners. Did I miss anything?
Wednesday, September 9, 2009
We Interrupt this Blog for a Special Offer
I honestly cannot believe that people are getting paid to make the terrible commercials that are on TV these days. I'd like to think the talent pool in the advertising world is drying up with the advent of the DVR, but for as long as I can remember TV commercials have sucked. Why is it that beer companies almost never have a bad commercial? It really just boils down to a complete and total lack of effort on the part of the company advertising. They are looking for me to spend my hard earned money on their products yet they appear to do almost nothing to make me pay attention to what they are selling. It's insulting. My top 10 commercial observations:
1) Why are commercials about beds almost always located outside? I have never once seen a bed outside, yet I know of at least 3 commercials where the focus is on people on beds outside. One of them is even on a hill overlooking the GG Bridge!! None of them are actually sleeping or really doing anything other than lying in some akward pose.
2) Why do erectile dysfunction commercials always have a man and woman in separate bath tubs outside? Is this really the demographic of the ED couple? Do they all go to Sonoma and sit in tubs by Vinyards? This is impractical for numerous reasons. I'd like to see how they are going to have sex in one of those things. They are old and the tub is small. I don't' know how the tubs get filled and I don't know how they stay warm. I've got one word for why the man has ED...SHRINKAGE.
3) Why are local commercials so incredibly horrible? Have you ever seen a good local commercial? I understand local businesses don't have the ad budgets of a large company, but their efforts are not even close to acceptable. The production quality is horrible, the actors are terrible, the lines are awful. They are basically unwatchable.
4) Why are radio commercials even worse than local commercials? Do they think because you are trapped in a car that you are forced to listen to them? Have they done studies that show people don't change the station during commercials as much as they would turn the TV channel? Are they just at a point where they know they can't stop them but don't want to put any more money than is absolutely necessary into them? You would think radio spots need to be as good as possible since you not only don't have anything to look at, but the driver's attention also distracted by other more important chores...you know, talking on the cell phone, shaving, eating, putting on make-up, etc. There are radio spots that are so bad and have annoyed me so much, that I refuse to listen to the radio at all when they are on and refuse to buy any products from those companies. No, I will not make your phone ring, ring.
5) Why do they have dogs or bears as the main characters in toilet paper commercials? What on earth do animals have to do with toilet paper? I guess they are going after that soft and cuddly impression, but the reality is bears are vicious animals that kill their prey by scratching them until they bleed to death. Actually, now that I think about it, maybe that is an appropriate analogy for toilet paper.
6) Why are cigarette companies not allowed to have ads for smoking on TV and why can't alcohol companies show someone drinking alcohol in a liquor/beer commercial, yet they are allowed to routinely show both on television programs? I'm not quite sure what the difference is.
7) Why is it necessary for commercials to be several decibels louder than the TV program they so rudely interrupted? I'm sure they are just trying to get my attention, but don't they know I'm fast forwarding through them anyway?
8) Why do all TV stations have commercials at the same time? Wouldn't you think one of the crappy channels would stagger their commercials so the average user has something to turn to during a break? Wouldn't that give them at least a chance at gaining some market share? Nothing frustrates me more than being forced to watch a crappy commercial (see point 4 above).
9) Why is there a law that says you must list all side affects of a drug if you say what the drug does in the commercial? It doesn't really make the drug very appealing. I'm glad you created something to control my high cholesterol, but I'm not sure I'm okay with the risk of stroke, infertility, mild to moderate headaches, nausea, sore throat, itchy knees, irritable bowel syndrome, restless leg syndrome, Lou Gehrig's disease, cataracts, scurvy, and kidney stones.
10) Why is it that companies all have great commercials for the Superbowl? What they are telling me is they could apply themselves and give a little better effort the other 364 days of the year, but they choose not to. They are telling me they don't give a crap about what I think about their product until they have to pay $3 million for a 30 second spot. They are telling me they don't apply themselves until it makes financial sense or until they know someone is going to do a thorough ROI on the value of money spent. They are telling me that beer companies are not better at commercials, they just know how to be consistent (the irony here is drinkers will drink whether there are commercials or not). And most of all they are telling me they ABSOLUTELY KNOW that no one is watching their commercials any other time of the year.
Monday, September 7, 2009
Maybe I'm just a hick
I'm at a crossroads in my travel life. There is no question that I like the good life and go away on vacations to relax and experience a bit of how the other half lives. And by other half, I really mean about .00001% of people who can actually afford to do things other than pay bills these days. Anyway, I've become a bit of a travel snob of late and have a really hard time staying in anything other than great hotels (ps. for those of you in the midwest, despite it's name The Best Western is not a great hotel. It should really be called The Just Okay Western). The problem is the great hotels just do some incredibly weird things that put me right back into hickland. I'd like to share some observations from a recent stay I had at a 5-Star hotel.
#1 This hotel has a bath drawing service. Now that sounds really really cool. So cool, in fact, that I'd consider getting it even though I can't stand taking a bath. It's one of those things that makes you feel more important than you really are and is a pretty neat experience. Now here's the catch...the cheapest of the 5 bath services they have is $525. SERIOUSLY?? I'm pretty sure all you are doing is turning on the water and maybe throwing some sort of bubbling concoction in there. Ok, granted it comes with Champagne, but either I don't have a clue how much Krug costs or they are completely ripping me off. By the way, the most expensive of the services is over $1600. Who the hell has that much money to take a bath? I'm all for extravagance, but that is just out of control.
#2 Wine costs $15 a glass, beer is about $13, a good scotch costs $32 a glass, etc. And the part I'm aggravated about is that I'm not pissed paying it. Maybe that's why these hotels strive so hard to make you forget about the reality of your bank account. If I went into a local bar and was asked to pay that for a drink I would tell them to pound salt. Yet here I'm gladly shelling out the $240 bar tab for pre-dinner drinks as if I've suddenly turned into an oil baron on holiday. (For those who are interested, the Scotch was worth every single penny).
#3 So what does my $1600 bath drawing, $15 glass of wine selling hotel offer in terms of room amenities? Internet access for $15 per day and only 2 wash clothes. HUH? For $300 per night you can't throw down some free wifi? How is it the Days Inn over in Pokipsy offer it for $45 a night and these guys won't do it? That is actually offensive to me, which is why I'm currently sitting down the street at a Starbucks doing it for $3.99. And why do they give me 6 towels but only 2 wash clothes? I'd actually use a towel more than once as you are using that AFTER you are already clean. But the wash cloth is filled with your filth and grime from a day past. Last night they actually took out a wash cloth during turn down service and didn't replace it. What on earth am I supposed to do with only 1?
Free water in the room, pro. A small unit by my desk that controls everything electric in my room, pro. Giant flat screen TV, pro. The fact that giant TV is hooked up to an analog signal, major con. Oh wait, I can get HD if I pay you $14.95 for a movie. That's just great. I'm really happy about that.
I guess it boils down to wanting the good life without really wanting to pay for it. Maybe for the really rich being able to afford that sort of thing is part of the fun. Maybe a $500 bath is a barometer for success that is noted in the "I'm filthy rich" handbook you get when you are a multi-millionaire. Maybe there is some sort of crazy money scavenger hunt that includes a $1600 rose petal bath. But I have to tell you, I don't think I ever want to get to a point where I'm okay paying more for a bath than I am for a flight. Seems to me there must be a ton of candles around the tub, because that bath is simply full of wax.
#1 This hotel has a bath drawing service. Now that sounds really really cool. So cool, in fact, that I'd consider getting it even though I can't stand taking a bath. It's one of those things that makes you feel more important than you really are and is a pretty neat experience. Now here's the catch...the cheapest of the 5 bath services they have is $525. SERIOUSLY?? I'm pretty sure all you are doing is turning on the water and maybe throwing some sort of bubbling concoction in there. Ok, granted it comes with Champagne, but either I don't have a clue how much Krug costs or they are completely ripping me off. By the way, the most expensive of the services is over $1600. Who the hell has that much money to take a bath? I'm all for extravagance, but that is just out of control.
#2 Wine costs $15 a glass, beer is about $13, a good scotch costs $32 a glass, etc. And the part I'm aggravated about is that I'm not pissed paying it. Maybe that's why these hotels strive so hard to make you forget about the reality of your bank account. If I went into a local bar and was asked to pay that for a drink I would tell them to pound salt. Yet here I'm gladly shelling out the $240 bar tab for pre-dinner drinks as if I've suddenly turned into an oil baron on holiday. (For those who are interested, the Scotch was worth every single penny).
#3 So what does my $1600 bath drawing, $15 glass of wine selling hotel offer in terms of room amenities? Internet access for $15 per day and only 2 wash clothes. HUH? For $300 per night you can't throw down some free wifi? How is it the Days Inn over in Pokipsy offer it for $45 a night and these guys won't do it? That is actually offensive to me, which is why I'm currently sitting down the street at a Starbucks doing it for $3.99. And why do they give me 6 towels but only 2 wash clothes? I'd actually use a towel more than once as you are using that AFTER you are already clean. But the wash cloth is filled with your filth and grime from a day past. Last night they actually took out a wash cloth during turn down service and didn't replace it. What on earth am I supposed to do with only 1?
Free water in the room, pro. A small unit by my desk that controls everything electric in my room, pro. Giant flat screen TV, pro. The fact that giant TV is hooked up to an analog signal, major con. Oh wait, I can get HD if I pay you $14.95 for a movie. That's just great. I'm really happy about that.
I guess it boils down to wanting the good life without really wanting to pay for it. Maybe for the really rich being able to afford that sort of thing is part of the fun. Maybe a $500 bath is a barometer for success that is noted in the "I'm filthy rich" handbook you get when you are a multi-millionaire. Maybe there is some sort of crazy money scavenger hunt that includes a $1600 rose petal bath. But I have to tell you, I don't think I ever want to get to a point where I'm okay paying more for a bath than I am for a flight. Seems to me there must be a ton of candles around the tub, because that bath is simply full of wax.
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