Once Upon a Time, Reality Edition

Back by popular demand, I give you another installment of Once Upon a Time.  Since this is my blog and I can do anything I like, I'm going to take the liberty of expanding these segments to movies and TV shows along with traditional fairy tales.  Hope you enjoy.

Once upon a time, there was a man named Jed; a poor mountaineer who barely kept is family fed.  Then one day as he was searching for some food, up from the ground came a bubbling crude...oil that is, black gold, Texas tea.  Well, the next thing you know ole Jed's a millionaire.  Kin folk say, "Jed move away from here.  California is the place you outta be."  So Jed loaded up the truck and he moved to Beverly....Hills that is.  Swimming pools.  Movie Stars.
Today, Jed would be an Iraq war veteran who has returned home a broken man with a broken body, only to find out that his wife of 30 years has died in a mass shooting at a health club.  Jed is out of work and unable to care for his family, yet still finds a way to be a foster parent for babies born with crack and alcohol addictions.  Jethro and Elly May are forced to share a small broom closet as a room and Granny runs a soup kitchen off her back porch.  Their house is in complete disrepair, much too small to accommodate their philanthropic efforts, and their story is submitted to ABC for inclusion on Extreme Makeover:  Home Edition.  One morning Ty Pennington and his magic bus show up on their lawn, the crew transforms their dilapidated shack into a 5000 sq. foot mansion, Jed exclaims "Wee Doggies" when he opens the garage to find a new Prius, Elly May becomes a contestant on Hell's Kitchen, Jethro finally gets himself a cement (pronounced seement) pond, Granny gets busted for selling moonshine, Mrs. Drysdale joins the cast of The Real Housewives of Orange County, Mr. Drysdale ends up in prison for running a Ponzi scheme, and they all live happily ever after.

Once Upon a Time, there was a story of a lovely lady, who was bringing up 3 very lovely girls.  All of them had hair of gold, like their mother, the youngest one in curls.  Here's the story, of a man named Brady, who was busy with 3 boys of his own.  They were 4 men, living all together, yet they were all alone.  Til the one day when the lady met the fellow.  And they knew it was much more than a hunch.  That this group would somehow form a family and that's the way they all became the Brady Bunch.
Today, the Brady's would have a reality show called Carol and Mike Plus Tikes and we'd all tune in weekly to see the unrealistic reality of raising a large family in the twenty-first century. With a cable TV show and Mike's architectural firm booming, and thanks to some creative financing, the Brady's decide to move to 5000 sq. foot home formerly inhabited by The Clampetts. The Brady's loan begins to adjust, the housing market plummets causing Mike's architectural business to fold, their bank account turns to red as their lawn turns to brown, and the Brady's are forced to move after their house was sold to Khloe Kardashian and Lamar Odom on the county court steps. The Brady's marriage begins to strain, reports surface that Carol is cheating with Sam the Butcher, Mike gets photographed leaving a club at 2 am with one of Marsha's friends, the American public realizes the Brady's are far more interesting when they are fighting, the couple decides to divorce, and they all live happily ever after.

Once upon a time, there was a tale.  A tale of a fateful trip, that started on a tropic point aboard a tiny slip.  The mate was a mighty sailin' man.  The skipper brave and sure.  Five passengers set sail that day for a 3 hour tour...a 3 hour tour. The weather started getting rough; the tiny ship was tossed. 
If not for the courage of the fearless crew, the Minnow would be lost...the Minnow would be lost.  No phone(s)! No light(s)! No motor car(s)!  Not a single luxury.  Like Robinson C-ru-soe, it's primitive as can be.
Today, Gilligan and gang would all be contestants on Survivor.  Mrs. Howell would be the first voted off after she expresses to her show-mates that Survivor was nothing more than a free vacation for her.  Mr. Howell is the token old man, calls everyone "Lovey", and gets voted off 2nd when everyone finds out he is already a millionaire.  The Professor is smart enough to produce fire from a leaf and a bobby pin, builds a makeshift transistor radio out of coconuts and seaweed, but isn't bright enough to use the 2 immunity idols he found thus preventing Ginger and The Skipper's secret alliance from booting him off 3rd.  The Skipper is next to go when his island mates get angry at him for constantly berating Gilligan, his excessive flatulence, and the fact he eats 3/4 of the food they have.  Ginger goes down 5th, creates skin care products made purely from coconut extract and sand, makes millions selling the products on QVC, makes an appearance on The Celebrity Apprentice, marries Donald Trump, divorces Donald Trump, poses in Playboy, marries Hugh Hefner, divorces Hugh Hefner, gets into politics, becomes Governor of Alaska, and runs for Vice President in John McCain's failed bid at the Presidency.  The final is between Gilligan and Mary Ann, where it is revealed they've had a showmance since week 1.  Gilligan convinces the jury to vote for Mary Ann, proposes to her after she gets named winner, they do a series of other reality shows together including Gilligan and Mary Ann Get Married, and they all live happily ever after.

Once Upon a Time

What's happened to fairy tales?  Did the Brothers Grimm and Disney just get it so right that we decided to stop with Snow White and Cinderella?  Or are we bombarded with so much information via TV and the Internet that we no longer have any capacity to believe in them?  And if fairy tales were written today, what would they look like?

Once upon a time, Cinderella lost her slipper and the handsome prince searched high and low until he found the foot it fit. 
Today, there would be a reality show for the Prince to pick Cinderella out of 20 women who live together in a mansion in Beverly Hills.  He would ultimately find her, they'd become "friends" on Facebook, exchange cell numbers, and spend a great deal of their work day texting each other.  After dating for a short period, the Prince would find out via US Weekly she is cheating on him with a cast member of The Hills.  Feeling spurned, our hero would send Cinderella an endless stream of texts, stalk her house, and post risque pictures of her on the web.  Naturally, Cinderella would have to get a restraining order, the Prince would finally begin to understand she wasn't interested, he'd become a contestant on The Bachelorette, and they all live happily ever after.

Once upon a time, Hansel and Gretel had a horrible stepmother that neglected them and abandoned them in a forest where they become enslaved by a wicked witch with intents on eating them.  Forced to outwit the witch in order to escape, they return home with an abundant treasure, find out their wicked stepmother is dead, and happily reunite with their remorseful father. 
Today, Hansel and Gretel would be child stars on Disney, making millions acting, singing, dancing, and selling merchandise to every girl ages 8-14.  Hansel would begin drinking at age 15, cause controversy by saying outrageous things about Gretel and Disney execs via Tweet, critically injure his best friend by wrapping his SL500 around a tree after partying all night, and utlimately wind up as a 15 minute spot on Where are They Now.  Gretel would pledge to remain a virgin, begin dating the lead singer from a boy band, forget that she pledged to be a virgin, and then go through a nasty breakup.  Gretel would turn to drugs to dull the pain and have photos of her doing embarrassing things appear on the cover of various celebrity rags.  She'd have several brushes with the law, her father would take control of her massive fortune that she's been wasting away, and she'd be forced to go into rehab to deal with her drug addiction.  After years of personal turmoil, Hansel and Gretel would get their lives in order, pull together a reunion tour, become contestants on Dancing with the Stars, and they all live happily ever after.

Once upon a time, Jack was given 5 magic beans that, once planted, sprouted a giant beanstalk.  Jack climbed the beanstalk 3 times taking home with him gold coins, a golden egg hatching hen, and a magical harp.  Jack cuts down the beanstalk as the giant was chasing him down, causing the giant to come crashing to the ground and the beanstalk to split in half.
Today, Jack would be a radical Berkley Environmentalist who protests any form of urban development.  After finding out the bean stalk is to be cut down in order to erect an Ikea, Jack decides to scale the stalk, set up a stalk house, and refuses to come down until the plans for expansion are aborted.  After several months and multiple lawsuits, the Birkenstock wearing and patchouli smelling Jack is forcibly removed from the bean stalk by local police.  As a PR move, Ikea agrees to use 1% of the store's revenue to buy carbon credits, Jack gets a book deal, begins dating a Victoria Secret model, and they all live happily ever after.

And while I know it's not a fairy tale.....Once upon a time, Superman left Krypton, moved to Metropolis, and became a reporter at the Daily Planet where no one ever put 2 and 2 together to realize Clark Kent and Superman were one in the same.  Upon identifying all sorts of hazards, Superman would find a phone booth, change into his famous red and blue outfit, and use his super powers to save the world.
Today, Superman works at TMZ and is the head of Teamsters Local 31, the superhero labor union.  He is named People's sexiest man alive and is uniformly recognized as the world's most eligible bachelor.  A local school is burning and thanks to the cell phone boom, he is unable to find a phone booth in which to change from Clark Kent to Superman.  He sneaks into an alley, unfortunately in the Castro, where he is photographed in his red and blue tights by a member of the paparazzi.  The photos are broadcast all over the world, his true identity is revealed, and questions immediately begin to surface regarding the nature of his relationship with Jimmy Olsen.  Superman refuses to answer questions regarding his sexuality, saying it's a matter of privacy and nobody's business but his.  He becomes a recluse for several months, marries the daughter of a former Rock and Roll icon, adopts a 7 month old child from Malawi, and they all live happily ever after.

The moral of the story is times have changed.  We build our heroes up only to break them down on the world's biggest stages.  We continually put them on pedestals and under microscopes until they are no longer interesting or until they self destruct.  As a society we want our heroes to be superhuman, yet spend all of our efforts showing how they are the exact opposite.  And our heroes are no better.  They live their lives seeking attention from all of us, desperately doing whatever is necessary to wind up on TV or in a magazine.  When they no longer need the media and all of us, they refuse to grant autographs, hide their faces from photographs, barricade themselves behind large mansion walls, and generally give their adoring public a giant middle finger.

As for me, I hope my life story begins: Once upon a time, a man lived completely without wax.

The Moonside of the Flip

I’d like to believe a world exists where you do things in reverse order from how it’s done in our world. Where the last step becomes the first. Where the final chapter is on page 1. I want to believe we don’t always have it right; that you don’t need to wet your hair before you apply the shampoo, instead the instructions read repeat, rinse, lather. I would find it comforting to have products such as before shave, poster (rather than primer), and make-up that would be applied before you shower. Naturally, dinner would be eaten in the morning, lunch would still be mid-day, and breakfast would be eaten in the evening. Then again, in opposite world, the evening would be morning and morning would be evening, so I suppose you’d still be eating your meals in their pre-destined slots.

In oppo world, the stop light was created before there were cars. Jails were created before there were criminals. The Internet was created before the computer, and both of which were created by Tipper Gore instead of Al.

On the flip side, we've never had a male President, Republicans and Democrats actually get along, our government operates in a surplus, and people are voted into public office based on their worth instead of the familiarity of their name.

As for sports, most basketball players are White, most hockey players are Black, the New York Yankees haven’t won the World Series since 1908, and Tiger Woods caddies for Steve Williams…on the Converse tour.

Men have womenstrual cycles called commas and women ask whether their clothes make them look skinny.

People get divorced before they get married and have kids after they get married.

Water is full of calories, jelly beans are packed with beta carotene, hippies are meatatarians, brownies are a food group, and pizza is a primary component of all weight loss programs.

There are constitutional amendments banning prostate exams, cigarette smoking, mushrooms, the common cold, high energy bills, seeded grapes, pulp in orange juice, and patchouli.

And last, but certainly not least, Ishtar is the greatest movie of all time, home loans are given to people who can afford them, there are more humorists than terrorists, the chicken comes before the egg, Britney Spears is a member of the 700 Club, people actually read this Blog, the Magic 8 Ball accurately predicts the future, toxic relationships come with surgeon general warnings, cars have more gas the more they are driven, oil producing countries are appreciative of Americans for continuing to have a use for what would otherwise be thousands of square miles of useless sand, workers stay home well, AT&T never drops a call, MAC’s are virus prone, and most importantly the sun revolves around the moon.