O, I'm Positive

A letter to my blood donation recipient:


Let’s get the pleasantries out of the way first. You’re welcome. The real meaning of this letter is to let you know what you’ve inherited by consuming my blood.

I’d like to apologize for the roughly 14 cookies, 2 pieces of toast, 1 Venti mocha, 5 buffalo wings, 5 oriental buffalo wings, 2 Auntie Annie Pretzels (one jalapeño & one garlic), and 2 air heads that I consumed prior to the blood donation. While we are at it, I’d also like to apologize for the roughly 25 cookies, ½ pound of cheese, ¼ of a roll of Italian salami, multiple slices of peppered salami, 2 tuna fish sandwiches, and every other holiday related piece of garbage I’ve put in my body over the past 48 hours.

Further, you may find some strange things happening to you over the next few days and weeks. Don’t be alarmed if you find yourself listening to Abba. I’ve recently discovered that Agneth Faltskog is very 70’s attractive and somehow their music is now palatable. Don’t be worried if you now watch Glenn Beck on the Fox News Channel. While I don’t particularly agree with his politics, the guy can spin a good yarn and I just like to hear him talk. Don’t be scared if you suddenly have a craving for pickled herring. I had it the other day and it really just tastes like tuna fish and is pretty good on a salty cracker. And don’t freak out if you find yourself shedding a tear for Brittany Murphy. Not that I was a fan or even saw her movies, but I find the death of any young actor or actress incredibly sad and depressing.

You may also experience some feelings that you’ve never felt before. For example, you may find yourself equally repulsed by Meryl Streep, Renee Zellweger, Rosie O’Donnell, and mushrooms. You may also find yourself annoyed by slow parkers, speed bump stoppers, red light non-turners, screaming children, bells, chalkboards, wet paint, long nails, dry skin, static cling, Mondays, bail bondsman commercials, QVC, and people who stand way to close when they talk to you. You may find yourself hating mushrooms, parsley, cilantro, cloves, and quiche. Alternatively, you almost certainly will now be drawn to any sugar based candy, hot pockets, microwaveable pizzas, key lime pie yogurt, Red Robin’s A-1 Steakhouse burger, ginger chews, and black licorice.

My recommendation is to just sit back, relax, and enjoy the flow. While not perfect the O positive I’ve given you has worked pretty well for me the past 3 plus decades and I’m sure it will do the same for you. So no further thank you’s are necessary. No need to bake me a pie or hand me the keys to the city. I’ve done nothing that any other universal donor wouldn’t do with an hour to kill during the holiday season. Just live your life without wax and we’ll call it even.