This just in…professional athletes have lost their grip on reality. Every day there is a story of an athlete refusing to play because he is being treated poorly by the organization that is paying him multi-millions of dollars every year. Every day there is news about some basketball player who is being charged with assault or a football player slapped with a paternity suit, or a baseball player charged with reckless driving and a DUI. I suppose the rules have simply never applied to them because as long as they create winning teams someone is always around to bail them out. In High School it’s the parents and coaches who look the other way because he’s a star athlete. In college, it’s some booster who throws money at problems to make them go away and acts as a cleaner to make sure the team has a shot at a National Championship or next year’s star recruit. In the Pro’s, the fans are to blame. We’ll excuse anything as long as you catch 100 balls, average 20 & 10, or bat .300 with 100 RBI’s. We either just don’t care or we care so much we are willing to accept any form of empty apology so we don’t have the guilt associated with cheering for you. Back it up with actions no longer means start doing the right thing. Instead it means go out on the field and show me why I can feel okay about turning the other cheek next time you beat your girlfriend or get involved in a shooting at a strip club or charge into the stands to face off with an aggressive fan or crash your $150,000 sports car into a telephone pole after a night of drinking.
I will no longer be an enabler. I will no longer accept mediocre morals and suspect actions in order to get a left-handed power hitter in the middle of my lineup. I will no longer be okay with the acquisition of a spoiled brat thug just because he happens to be the shooting forward my team needs to make a run in the playoffs. And I will no longer support a team that signs ex-cons because he runs a 4.4 40 with the size of a linebacker and the agility of a running back. It’s just not okay anymore. Prove to me you are a decent human being when your dollars, fame, celebrity, and fans are stripped away and then I’ll start giving you my support.
So listen up athletes. Since the normal rules don’t apply to you, I’ve created a new set of them just for you.
1) If you happen to find yourself in a strip club at 3 am, get up and leave. Check that, if you happen to find yourself in a strip club at any time of the day, get up and leave.
2) If the team you play for is willing to shell out $50 million over 5 years, count your blessings, show up for work on time every day, and give 110% nightly to your team. 99.9% of the working world won’t make $50 million in their lifetime.
3) Guns don’t kill people, they kill careers.
4) You make millions of dollars per year. You don’t need to hit a girl that isn’t acting how you want her to. Just go find a new one that will. It’s really not that hard.
5) Check the scoreboard before you decide to do a victory dance after making an 8 yard catch or a tackle 20 yards down the field. The roar from the stands is actually fans laughing at you for celebrating a routine play when your team is losing by 25 points.
6) Condoms work for pro athletes too. Travis Henry, this is for you. You have 11 children, from 10 different women, in 4 different states. Your annual child support payments are estimated at $170,000 and you are currently in jail on drug trafficking charges. $10 for a box of condoms sounds pretty good right now, huh?
7) Contracts are little pieces of paper that tell you what you can and can’t do and how much money you will get paid for how well you obey those rules. So when your contract forbids you from riding a motorcycle, don’t break your leg crashing your Harley, or worse yet, your moped. When your contract prohibits you from snow skiing, don’t post pictures of you with Jessica Simpson on the slopes of Jackson Hole. And if you have an 11 pm curfew, don’t send out a Tweet at 12:45 am from a bar in Manhattan.
8) When you get asked whether you ever did performance enhancing drugs, just say yes. It doesn’t take a forensic scientist to see the enormous size of your head and the tripling of your homerun output might somehow be connected.
9) Give me 110% every game. It’s really not that much to ask. I don’t want to hear about the grind of the season because most of you have game days only 80 or so times per year. And baseball players, stop taking the last 2 weeks off because your team won’t make the playoffs. I just don’t understand why it is okay to stop playing just because your team is out of the race. We count on you to show up and we count on you to play. We pay money to see you in person and we expect your best, not to mention we need your stats to win our Fantasy Championships.
10) The only thing that matters is whether your team wins. I find it interesting that many players only care about their stats early in their careers but are more than happy to play a back-up role for a championship contending team late in their careers. Quick test, who’s the greatest quarterback of all time? My guess is Dan Marino is fairly far down your list, yet his career stats are among the best of all time. John Stockton and Karl Malone will be forgotten in 10 years because regardless of how great they were, they never won a ring. So when you say you are willing to do anything to help the team, remember that when your team asks you to do something you don’t want to do.
Ps. Stephen Jackson, you are a punk and you’ve always been a punk. You caught lightening in a bottle 3 years ago and happened to be part of a team that made a magical run through the first round of the playoffs. But I still remember you came to the team an NBA embarrassment associated with shootings and fighting with fans in Detroit. So next time you want to bitch about being treated poorly, you might want to remember you make $8+ million per year, start and play 40+ minutes a game, and were at one point the captain of the team. And by the way, Baron Davis, not you, was the reason that team 3 years ago made us all believe.
Thursday, October 15, 2009
Wednesday, October 14, 2009
Once Upon a Time, A Dateline Nursery Rhyme Special
Once Upon a Time, Humpty Dumpty sat on a wall, had a great fall, and all the King’s horses and all the King’s men couldn’t put Humpty together again.
Today, Humpty Dumpty would sue the King and the maker of the wall for improper construction that ultimately led to his fall. John Stossel would do a piece on 20/20 about the dangers of wall sitting in middle-America and how the decline of wall building is the hidden plague of our generation. Protestors would demand reform in the wall building industry and would blame the poor quality of walls on the outsourcing of wall building to China. The Reverand Jesse Jackson and Al Sharpton would be outraged that a White Humpty was getting this much attention when Brown Eggs all over America were faced with far worse tragedies on a daily basis. Congress would get involved and enact Dumpty’s Law which requires the use of a hands free device while sitting on a wall and talking on the phone. Humpty would write a series of cooking books where no recipe is made with eggs, and they all would live happily ever after.
Once Upon a Time, Little Red Riding Hood made a nice lunch for her Grandmother and traipsed through the woods to deliver it. She encountered the Wolf along the way and narrowly escaped being eaten. However, the Wolf had taken a short cut to Grandma’s house, eaten Grandma, posed as Grandma, tried to trick Little Red Riding Hood to come closer to eat her, and was ultimately chased away by a helpful farmer.
Today, the Wolf would be on his way to Grandma’s house to hook up with 13 year old Little Red Riding Hood whom he met on the internet. Upon arriving, he would be shuttled to the backyard where Little Red Riding Hood would offer him a drink and proclaim she was going to change into her little red bikini. The Wolf’s grin would quickly disappear when Chris Hansen appears instead of Little Red Riding Hood, proclaiming the Wolf is the subject of NBC’s “To Catch a Predator.” The Wolf pleads this is the first time he’s ever done such a thing, that he’s really a sheep in wolf’s clothing, and that Little Red Riding Hood is the Girl who cried Wolf. After a 20 minute interview with Hansen, the Wolf bolts out of the backyard, is arrested by the Three Little Pigs, is convicted of soliciting a minor for sex, sent to a straw prison, escapes from the straw prison when he huffs and puffs and blows the prison down, is captured and sent to a stick prison, escapes from the stick prison when he huffs and puffs and blows the prison down, is captured and sent to a brick prison, serves his time, gets released from prison, gets a 2-year contract as a back-up quarterback for the Philadelphia Eagles, and they all live happily ever after.
Once Upon a Time, Jack and Jill went up the hill to fetch a pail of water. Jack fell down, broke his crown, and Jill came tumbling after.
Today, Dateline would have a 2 part episode called, “The Mystery of Jack and the Hill” as part of their Crime Story series. The show would outline how forensic evidence suggests that Jack’s fall was no accident, but rather an elaborate scheme by Jill to murder her husband. Jack and Jill had started dating when he was a star high school athlete and she was the head cheerleader. Jack was nimble and Jack was quick; he even jumped over a candlestick. But soon after they married times got tough. Jack Sprat could eat no fat and his wife could eat no lean. And so betwixt the two of them, they picked their platter clean. They had a son, Little Jack Horner, but he just sat in a corner eating his Christmas pie. And the house that Jack built? Well that’s a long story in and of itself. Jill was a jealous woman, accusing Jack of having affairs with Miss Muffet and even the Old Woman in the Shoe. Paternity tests proved that Jack was not the father of all of the Old Woman’s Children, but Jill remained jealous nonetheless. Jill’s suspicions finally got the best of her when Jack was spotted at the top of the hill with Little Bo Peep. She didn’t believe their story about searching for lost sheep and she pushed them both down the hill in a fit of jealous rage. Jill was arrested, charged with double homicide, released on bail, was involved in a low speed chase on a White Bronco ridden by Yankee Doodle Dandy, was represented in the trial by the Three Blind Mice, was found not guilty, and they all lived happily ever after…at least until Jill was arrested and convicted for armed robbery in a Las Vegas hotel room.
Today, Humpty Dumpty would sue the King and the maker of the wall for improper construction that ultimately led to his fall. John Stossel would do a piece on 20/20 about the dangers of wall sitting in middle-America and how the decline of wall building is the hidden plague of our generation. Protestors would demand reform in the wall building industry and would blame the poor quality of walls on the outsourcing of wall building to China. The Reverand Jesse Jackson and Al Sharpton would be outraged that a White Humpty was getting this much attention when Brown Eggs all over America were faced with far worse tragedies on a daily basis. Congress would get involved and enact Dumpty’s Law which requires the use of a hands free device while sitting on a wall and talking on the phone. Humpty would write a series of cooking books where no recipe is made with eggs, and they all would live happily ever after.
Once Upon a Time, Little Red Riding Hood made a nice lunch for her Grandmother and traipsed through the woods to deliver it. She encountered the Wolf along the way and narrowly escaped being eaten. However, the Wolf had taken a short cut to Grandma’s house, eaten Grandma, posed as Grandma, tried to trick Little Red Riding Hood to come closer to eat her, and was ultimately chased away by a helpful farmer.
Today, the Wolf would be on his way to Grandma’s house to hook up with 13 year old Little Red Riding Hood whom he met on the internet. Upon arriving, he would be shuttled to the backyard where Little Red Riding Hood would offer him a drink and proclaim she was going to change into her little red bikini. The Wolf’s grin would quickly disappear when Chris Hansen appears instead of Little Red Riding Hood, proclaiming the Wolf is the subject of NBC’s “To Catch a Predator.” The Wolf pleads this is the first time he’s ever done such a thing, that he’s really a sheep in wolf’s clothing, and that Little Red Riding Hood is the Girl who cried Wolf. After a 20 minute interview with Hansen, the Wolf bolts out of the backyard, is arrested by the Three Little Pigs, is convicted of soliciting a minor for sex, sent to a straw prison, escapes from the straw prison when he huffs and puffs and blows the prison down, is captured and sent to a stick prison, escapes from the stick prison when he huffs and puffs and blows the prison down, is captured and sent to a brick prison, serves his time, gets released from prison, gets a 2-year contract as a back-up quarterback for the Philadelphia Eagles, and they all live happily ever after.
Once Upon a Time, Jack and Jill went up the hill to fetch a pail of water. Jack fell down, broke his crown, and Jill came tumbling after.
Today, Dateline would have a 2 part episode called, “The Mystery of Jack and the Hill” as part of their Crime Story series. The show would outline how forensic evidence suggests that Jack’s fall was no accident, but rather an elaborate scheme by Jill to murder her husband. Jack and Jill had started dating when he was a star high school athlete and she was the head cheerleader. Jack was nimble and Jack was quick; he even jumped over a candlestick. But soon after they married times got tough. Jack Sprat could eat no fat and his wife could eat no lean. And so betwixt the two of them, they picked their platter clean. They had a son, Little Jack Horner, but he just sat in a corner eating his Christmas pie. And the house that Jack built? Well that’s a long story in and of itself. Jill was a jealous woman, accusing Jack of having affairs with Miss Muffet and even the Old Woman in the Shoe. Paternity tests proved that Jack was not the father of all of the Old Woman’s Children, but Jill remained jealous nonetheless. Jill’s suspicions finally got the best of her when Jack was spotted at the top of the hill with Little Bo Peep. She didn’t believe their story about searching for lost sheep and she pushed them both down the hill in a fit of jealous rage. Jill was arrested, charged with double homicide, released on bail, was involved in a low speed chase on a White Bronco ridden by Yankee Doodle Dandy, was represented in the trial by the Three Blind Mice, was found not guilty, and they all lived happily ever after…at least until Jill was arrested and convicted for armed robbery in a Las Vegas hotel room.
Tuesday, October 13, 2009
Full of Wax
A 6 year old boy was recently suspended from 1st grade in Delaware for bringing a camping utensil to school that serves as a fork, spoon, and knife (The article can be found here). Apparently the boy had just joined the Cub Scouts and was so excited about it that he wanted to use this utensil at school. By all accounts, the boy is a model student and even wears a shirt and tie to school on some days by his own choice. The school district in question has a zero tolerance policy when it comes to weapons in school and felt they had no choice but to suspend him. NOW THAT IS FULL OF WAX!!
What has our Nation come to when a 6 year old boy faces suspension and a 45-day stay in the district’s reform school for wanting to show his enthusiasm for an organization widely recognized as being a positive role model for the nation’s youth?
I blame everyone for this. I blame the law makers for not explicitly giving school administrators more authority to make their own judgments in cases like these. I blame the administrators for not figuring a better way to deal with this than by the letter of the law. I blame the teacher for not having more common sense and for escalating it to this level in the first place. I blame all of the hyper-sensitive parents for all of the lawsuits they have generated because their precious child was teased at school. I blame the psychopaths from Columbine, Virginia Tech, and every other school massacre for getting our collective fear level to the point where common sense is an afterthought. I blame the gun makers for telling us that “guns don't kill people, people kill people”. We are so afraid of getting sued, getting fired, looking bad, being different, taking a stand, and generally raging against the machine that we've gotten to the point where suspending a 6 year old boy is acceptable.
In the same article it mentions a case of a third grade student who was expelled for bringing a knife to school. Sounds reasonable until you learn why the knife was brought to school. It was there to cut the birthday cake that her grandmother had made for her. Oh yeah, the girl’s teacher used the knife to cut herself a piece of the cake right before she turned the little girl in. Seriously?
I would venture to guess that childhood obesity causes more absence, injury, illness, and death amongst school children than school violence. Should we start banning candy from school? Should there be a zero tolerance rule for cupcakes? Why do school districts pack our children's lunchrooms with sugar and fat when 15% of our nation's youth are considered considerably overweight. That's 9 million kids, a number that has nearly tripled over the past 30 years. And it gets worse. According to the stats, the super-obesity rate has increased by 100% in the past 20 years and 7 million children have high cholesterol. Maybe that 3rd grader should have been allowed to carry the knife and the cake should have been confiscated at the door.
I think teachers do a great job and I think they are incredibly underpaid for the criticality of their work and for the dedication most of them give. But they have also gotten soft as a profession. We give them half-days and days off for staff development when the rest of the professional world has to figure out how to fit it in no matter how busy their schedule is. We have parents volunteering on a daily basis to put together go home folders and grade homework so the teacher doesn’t have to. We have docents of every kind so a first grade teacher doesn’t have to create art projects. I get it, the curriculum you are forced to teach doesn't allow for a single extra second of time for you to do anything more than you already do. I realize you think you need to move on to the next subject or topic in your Stepford Teacher's Manual even though two-thirds of your class doesn't yet understand what you just taught them. But isn't the point of being a teacher to make sure that your student's are getting taught? Maybe instead of staff development once a week that cuts the school day by 2 hours, we should force you to spend your nights and weekends developing. After all, isn't that what you are asking my child to do when you give them homework every night and projects that require them to work on the weekends?
And society at large needs to stop suing and being worried about being sued and start doing the right thing. Start treating your neighbor as you would like to be treated. Start doing the right thing regardless of how unpopular the decision may be or what parent you may anger. Start backing the people who are trying to make a difference and stop looking the other way when you know something is wrong. You know it takes a village to raise a child but apparently it only takes a camping utensil to ruin them.
What has our Nation come to when a 6 year old boy faces suspension and a 45-day stay in the district’s reform school for wanting to show his enthusiasm for an organization widely recognized as being a positive role model for the nation’s youth?
I blame everyone for this. I blame the law makers for not explicitly giving school administrators more authority to make their own judgments in cases like these. I blame the administrators for not figuring a better way to deal with this than by the letter of the law. I blame the teacher for not having more common sense and for escalating it to this level in the first place. I blame all of the hyper-sensitive parents for all of the lawsuits they have generated because their precious child was teased at school. I blame the psychopaths from Columbine, Virginia Tech, and every other school massacre for getting our collective fear level to the point where common sense is an afterthought. I blame the gun makers for telling us that “guns don't kill people, people kill people”. We are so afraid of getting sued, getting fired, looking bad, being different, taking a stand, and generally raging against the machine that we've gotten to the point where suspending a 6 year old boy is acceptable.
In the same article it mentions a case of a third grade student who was expelled for bringing a knife to school. Sounds reasonable until you learn why the knife was brought to school. It was there to cut the birthday cake that her grandmother had made for her. Oh yeah, the girl’s teacher used the knife to cut herself a piece of the cake right before she turned the little girl in. Seriously?
I would venture to guess that childhood obesity causes more absence, injury, illness, and death amongst school children than school violence. Should we start banning candy from school? Should there be a zero tolerance rule for cupcakes? Why do school districts pack our children's lunchrooms with sugar and fat when 15% of our nation's youth are considered considerably overweight. That's 9 million kids, a number that has nearly tripled over the past 30 years. And it gets worse. According to the stats, the super-obesity rate has increased by 100% in the past 20 years and 7 million children have high cholesterol. Maybe that 3rd grader should have been allowed to carry the knife and the cake should have been confiscated at the door.
I think teachers do a great job and I think they are incredibly underpaid for the criticality of their work and for the dedication most of them give. But they have also gotten soft as a profession. We give them half-days and days off for staff development when the rest of the professional world has to figure out how to fit it in no matter how busy their schedule is. We have parents volunteering on a daily basis to put together go home folders and grade homework so the teacher doesn’t have to. We have docents of every kind so a first grade teacher doesn’t have to create art projects. I get it, the curriculum you are forced to teach doesn't allow for a single extra second of time for you to do anything more than you already do. I realize you think you need to move on to the next subject or topic in your Stepford Teacher's Manual even though two-thirds of your class doesn't yet understand what you just taught them. But isn't the point of being a teacher to make sure that your student's are getting taught? Maybe instead of staff development once a week that cuts the school day by 2 hours, we should force you to spend your nights and weekends developing. After all, isn't that what you are asking my child to do when you give them homework every night and projects that require them to work on the weekends?
And society at large needs to stop suing and being worried about being sued and start doing the right thing. Start treating your neighbor as you would like to be treated. Start doing the right thing regardless of how unpopular the decision may be or what parent you may anger. Start backing the people who are trying to make a difference and stop looking the other way when you know something is wrong. You know it takes a village to raise a child but apparently it only takes a camping utensil to ruin them.
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