Full of Wax

A 6 year old boy was recently suspended from 1st grade in Delaware for bringing a camping utensil to school that serves as a fork, spoon, and knife (The article can be found here). Apparently the boy had just joined the Cub Scouts and was so excited about it that he wanted to use this utensil at school. By all accounts, the boy is a model student and even wears a shirt and tie to school on some days by his own choice. The school district in question has a zero tolerance policy when it comes to weapons in school and felt they had no choice but to suspend him. NOW THAT IS FULL OF WAX!!

What has our Nation come to when a 6 year old boy faces suspension and a 45-day stay in the district’s reform school for wanting to show his enthusiasm for an organization widely recognized as being a positive role model for the nation’s youth?

I blame everyone for this. I blame the law makers for not explicitly giving school administrators more authority to make their own judgments in cases like these. I blame the administrators for not figuring a better way to deal with this than by the letter of the law.  I blame the teacher for not having more common sense and for escalating it to this level in the first place. I blame all of the hyper-sensitive parents for all of the lawsuits they have generated because their precious child was teased at school. I blame the psychopaths from Columbine, Virginia Tech, and every other school massacre for getting our collective fear level to the point where common sense is an afterthought. I blame the gun makers for telling us that “guns don't kill people, people kill people”. We are so afraid of getting sued, getting fired, looking bad, being different, taking a stand, and generally raging against the machine that we've gotten to the point where suspending a 6 year old boy is acceptable. 

In the same article it mentions a case of a third grade student who was expelled for bringing a knife to school. Sounds reasonable until you learn why the knife was brought to school.  It was there to cut the birthday cake that her grandmother had made for her. Oh yeah, the girl’s teacher used the knife to cut herself a piece of the cake right before she turned the little girl in. Seriously?

I would venture to guess that childhood obesity causes more absence, injury, illness, and death amongst school children than school violence. Should we start banning candy from school? Should there be a zero tolerance rule for cupcakes? Why do school districts pack our children's lunchrooms with sugar and fat when 15% of our nation's youth are considered considerably overweight.  That's 9 million kids, a number that has nearly tripled over the past 30 years.  And it gets worse.  According to the stats, the super-obesity rate has increased by 100% in the past 20 years and 7 million children have high cholesterol.  Maybe that 3rd grader should have been allowed to carry the knife and the cake should have been confiscated at the door. 

I think teachers do a great job and I think they are incredibly underpaid for the criticality of their work and for the dedication most of them give. But they have also gotten soft as a profession. We give them half-days and days off for staff development when the rest of the professional world has to figure out how to fit it in no matter how busy their schedule is. We have parents volunteering on a daily basis to put together go home folders and grade homework so the teacher doesn’t have to. We have docents of every kind so a first grade teacher doesn’t have to create art projects.  I get it, the curriculum you are forced to teach doesn't allow for a single extra second of time for you to do anything more than you already do.  I realize you think you need to move on to the next subject or topic in your Stepford Teacher's Manual even though two-thirds of your class doesn't yet understand what you just taught them.  But isn't the point of being a teacher to make sure that your student's are getting taught?  Maybe instead of staff development once a week that cuts the school day by 2 hours, we should force you to spend your nights and weekends developing.  After all, isn't that what you are asking my child to do when you give them homework every night and projects that require them to work on the weekends?
And society at large needs to stop suing and being worried about being sued and start doing the right thing. Start treating your neighbor as you would like to be treated. Start doing the right thing regardless of how unpopular the decision may be or what parent you may anger.  Start backing the people who are trying to make a difference and stop looking the other way when you know something is wrong.  You know it takes a village to raise a child but apparently it only takes a camping utensil to ruin them.

The Enema Opus

I’ve been struggling to figure out what to write. I’m hoping this isn’t writer’s block since I’ve only had a handful of posts. That would be very sad if my creative reservoir is drained already. In like a lion and out like a lamb. Maybe I’m missing a muse. Everyone needs an inspiration and perhaps mine has just gone on vacation for a while. But I’m intent on posting something this morning and I’ll keeping putting letters and words together until they become sentences and paragraphs on the screen. Consider this an ambling through the woods. No particular destination in mind, I just need the exercise.

The problem I’m continuing to find is that my mind doesn’t work in sentences and paragraphs. I work in lists. My 10 favorite movies really aren’t a very creative or interesting blog though (in case you are interested they are Braveheart, Shawshank Redemption, Caddie Shack, On Golden Pond, Rudy, Goodfellas, Rocky, Raiders of the Lost Ark, and Bull Durham).

My mind is working in blurts. No cohesive thoughts, just a random mess of words and phrases thrown onto the screen. My keyboard has turrets syndrome. 31 Flavors, Green, The Woodpecker, Magic 8 Ball, Dunder Mifflin, Bagels, Burritos, Tea (one-bag only), Lance the butler, the candy train, Mexico, “No, but I stayed at a Holiday Inn Express last night”, Tabosu, and of course No Wax. Try and make some sense of that.

I wish there was a City of Life. It would be a place where all of the dreams you have when you say “In another life” would come true. I’ve actually Googled City of Life, Town of Life, Corporation of Life, Life City, and Life town. Other than a Christian Church in Missouri named City of Life, none of these places exist (naturally). I think I’d feel better if there was some place on earth that I could actually go named Life. If someone could find it for me I’d be eternally grateful.

I’m working in lists again…my 10 favorite ice cream flavors. Gold Medal Ribbon, Rainbow Sherbet, Mint Chocolate Chip, Lemon Ice, Cookie Dough, Tutti Frutti, Bubble Gum, Vanilla, and Cookies & Cream. I don’t understand Mocha, Jamoca, or Coffee flavored ice creams. I’d love spumoni if it wasn’t for the damned pistachios. Sugar Cone, never cup. Chocolate sauce and Caramel on Mint Chocolate Chip. Vanilla on any sort of pie. Rainbow Sherbet, Tutti Frutti, Lemon Ice, and Bubble Gum because it makes you feel like a kid again. Cookie Dough just because it’s good. Gold Medal Ribbon because of the caramel. And Cookies & Cream makes the best shakes.

Turrets again…Pooh and the honey, floor wipers, a dollar bill, blinking red lights, and It’s All in My Head.

Pizza, Hamburgers, Swedish Fish, Pie, French Fries, Mashed Potatoes, Pasta, Oatmeal Raisin Cookies, Bacon, and French Toast. 10 foods I couldn’t live without, for those who are playing at home.

I’ve left a trail of bread crumbs to find my way home and the surroundings are starting to look familiar again. It’s not the City of Life, and I’m not sure my keyboard has regained control over the words, but I’m hoping to return to sentences and paragraphs in the very near future. Sometimes the brain just needs a high colonic to clean itself out.

Random Thoughts of Mindlessness Vol. 2

1) I've noticed that most bottled water companies are now proclaiming their bottles are made with significantly less plastic. This is, no doubt, a response to the environmental issues associated with plastic disposal and the subsequent flocking of people towards eco-friendly, reusable steel bottles. However, I'm also quite sure making a bottle with less plastic also costs less to produce. So why is my bottled water more expensive now instead of cheaper? And why were the bottled water companies not smart enough to figure this out on their own to reduce their operating costs? Seems to me they could have saved millions of dollars years ago.

2) Why can't AM radio figure out how to keep a reception when I drive under a bridge or go into a parking garage? We can communicate with relative clarity to the Space Shuttle but I can't listen to sports radio when I go under an overpass.

3) What's happened to all of the phone booths? I understand pay phones in general have become obsolete due to cell phones, but the phone booths seemed to have just disappeared overnight. Where on earth is Superman going to change now?

4)  Why don't you ever see any commercials for Tivo?  Seems to me those watching commercials are their absolute target audience.  Much like the apartment signs that read, "If you lived here, you'd already be home" I can see a Tivo add that reads, "If you had Tivo, you wouldn't have to watch this commercial". Does TV advertising simply go against the company's belief system?  Possibly, but I know of no other company whose target audience will always be exactly the people who are watching the commercial. 

5)  I don't care about Global Warming and I'm fine admitting it. I will never go green except for the times when doing so saves me money. I will only buy a hybrid vehicle in order to save money on gas and to drive in the HOV lane. I will only recycle because I'm forced to do so and because my regular garbage can is not large enough to fit all of my trash. I will continue to drive an SUV or any other gas guzzling vehicle of my liking. I will run the air conditioner until I freeze, will throw away my batteries, keep electronics plugged in even when they are turned off, burn wood in my fireplace for as long as I choose, never care about my carbon footprint, and will never under any circumstance buy a carbon credit.

6)  Why do people preface what they are about to say with, "To be honest,"?  What about all of the others things you just said?  Were you not honest on those?  Are you only honest when you give me that disclaimer? 

7)  Why do we insist on trying to improve everything?  I realize that constantly striving for perfection is part of what has made our country great, but I think some things are better left alone.  For example, speed bumps worked just fine; why do we need speed humps?  Pizza is quite possibly the greatest invention of all time, yet annually someone is trying to fill the crust with cheese, or have the sauce on top, or put meat in the crust, etc.  Just leave the damn thing alone.  New Coke was forced upon us when Old Coke was selling just fine.  Monopoly doesn't need to have a version for every city on earth or for your favorite movie; Park Place and Boardwalk work just fine.  We got it right with shoelaces; you really don't see much velcro these days do you?  Peanut Butter and Jelly in the same tube??  Are you kidding me?  Is it really that hard to spread each on their own? 

8)  On the other hand, there are things just begging for improvement that are being completely ignored. Why do we use nice smelling, soft to the touch, flushable wet wipes for babies when adults use the toilet paper equivalent of sand paper to wipe themselves?  We have terrible gas gauge dials in our cars where you have to guess how much gas is remaining.  Why aren't digital readouts for fuel standard on cars now?  And they should not only tell you how much further you can drive, but also exactly how many gallons are left and how close you are to the nearest gas station.  And along those same lines, why do motorcycles have reserve tanks but cars do not?  I'd like to see a lawn mower created that edges while you mow.  I don't know why I should have to do both.  Why do I still have to sign credit card receipts?  Shouldn't credit cards just adopt the pin methodology and allow me to type in a 4 number password?  Why don't windshield wipers work well or last long enough?  We have technology that senses when it is raining and automatically turns them on, yet we can't figure out a way to actually make you see better once they are on.  Why do we still have mailmen that walk from door to door to deliver the mail?  I can't think of a larger waste of a person's time than to have them walking around delivering catalogs that no one reads, junk mail that gets thrown away, and bills that should have already been delivered electronically. 

9)  Why is the snooze button so large and the off button so small?  No wonder we oversleep.

10)  Why am I asked every time at the store whether I want paper or plastic?  I'd like the store to just take a stand and pick one or the other.  I don't want to have to make that choice and the reality is I still don't know which one is the right one to pick.  And why do I have to be asked whether I want something double bagged?  You are the expert...you tell me.  And use a little logic when it comes to asking if I need help outside. Its one bag of Skittles, I think I can handle it.  PS., the express lane is called that for a reason.  You shouldn't be allowed to buy cigarettes there, even if you have less than 10 items.  You shouldn't be allowed to use coupons, write checks, ask for a price check, buy stamps, talk to the cashier, talk to your friends, discipline your kids, chat on the phone, juggle your venti half-caf 180 degree non-fat soy latte while you search for exact change, chew gum, pick out candy, buy lottery tickets, or do anything else that prevents you from taking the shortest amount of time to pay for your 10 or less (That doesn't mean 11) items and get the hell out of my way.