Once Upon a Time, A COVID-19 Movie Edition

Once upon a time Baby and Johnny met while Baby's family was vacationing in the Catskills.  Entitled Baby learns to dance from bad boy Johnny, despite objections from Baby's overbearing father.  The end of summer party arrives, Baby is put in a corner, Johnny gallantly rescues her, they land the big dance move, and Dirty Dancing was born.

Today, the Houseman of Representatives family escapes DC from the Coronavirus and travels to the Catskills.  The Kellerman resort, purchased by Donald Trump during the 2008 financial crisis, has been renamed Mir A Lago Catskills.  The resort is open, but following strict social distancing guidelines following an outbreak of COVID, mostly amongst the aging guests.  Baby, played by AOC, is petulant as ever waiting out her summer before she can join the Peace Corps.  Baby tries to convert the entertainment staff to Democratic Socialism and tells them they should demand a living wage.  While talking to the entertainment staff, Baby meets Johnny Castle, played by the entire mainstream media.  Johnny quickly becomes infatuated with AOC and convinces her to go to her father, played by Dr. Anthony Fauci, for testing kits and ventilators for the now sick staff.  As the lockdown continues, employees and guests are at odds on whether to proceed with the end of season party.  Baby's father is adamant that she stay locked away and miss the party, therefore forfeiting her chance to use it as a stage to tell the employees they should not go back to work when the pandemic is over.  At the movie's climax, Johnny races to Baby's cabin, pounds on the door, tells her Father "Nobody Puts Baby on Lockdown", whisks her away to the party where they pass a $23.00 minimum wage, the employees declare "They've had the time of their lives", and they all live happily ever after.  Except they don't because Mir A Lago can't afford to pay $23/hour and replaces most of their staff with self-service automation.

Once upon a time Phil Connors travels with producer Rita Hanson and Cameraman Larry to Punxsutawney PA for the annual Groundhog Day celebrations.  Phil wakes up to Sonny and Cher every morning, lives the same day over and over, tries to seduce Rita and fails, steals Punxsutawney Phil, has a death wish, becomes a good man, gets Rita to fall in love with him, finally wakes up on a new day, and the cult classic movie Groundhog Day was born.

Today, the CNN news crew decides to broadcast Groundhog Day even after concerns grow regarding the COVID virus and the need to social distance.  Phil Connors, played by Chris Cuomo, is unable to make the trip as he battles COVID and instead does his weather broadcast remotely while in quarantine. Rita, played by Ellen DeGeneres' talk show staff, is furloughed by CNN and replaced with a less expensive non-union producer.  Buster, played by NJ Governor Phil Murphy, decides at the last minute to cancel the festival even though Punxsutawney has virtually no confirmed cases of COVID in the town.  Buster imposes a strict lockdown, closes all parks, requires mandatory face masks when in stores, and implements a fine for those not following the new mandates.  With this new lockdown, Phil begins to live the same day over and over again until it drives him crazy.  Meanwhile, residents of Punxsutawney have grown restless and decide to hold a "Re-Open Punxsutawney Rally" in the center of town.  Punxsutawney Phil attends, sees his shadow, predicts 6 more weeks of lockdown, and is fined for congregating in public.  Ned Ryerson, played by Damon Johns, is arrested for price gouging N95 masks, hand sanitizer, and toiler paper.  The Tip Top Cafe, played by every small business in America, runs out of money, has to let go of Doris the Waitress (played by 27 million American workers), files for stimulus money under the CARES act, is not awarded any money as it goes to Harvard and Shake Shack instead, files again after round 2 of the stimulus package, receives a small forgivable loan, barely holds on thanks to a take out only service and partnership with Grubhub, and they all live happily ever after.  Except they don't because the health and economic hardships created by the lockdown last far longer than the virus itself and Punxsutawney was never the same town again.

Once upon a time Nick Young and Rachel Chu meet in NYC and fall in love.  They travel to Singapore for Nick's best friend's wedding, Rachel discovers Nick is loaded, is treated poorly by Nick's mother and the wedding's bridesmaids, decides her love for Nick isn't worth it and abrubptly leaves, Nick races to the airport before Rachel boards her flight to propose, and the movie Crazy Rich Asians was born.

Today, Nick is "The Bachelor" and meets Rachel, 1 of 25 women vying for Nick's love.  After several rose ceremonies, 1:1, and group dates, Nick is down to the final 4.  Nick decides to take Rachel to his best friend's wedding for their hometown visit even though COVID-19 is beginning to ravage Asia.  After all, Singapore is considered safe given their extensive testing, tracking, and social distancing measures.  While in Singapore, Rachel discovers Nick is actually a toilet paper magnate.  Nick's mother, played by Nancy Pelosi, immediately suspects Rachel of only being interested in him because her family is down to their last few rolls.  Nick's mother is widely criticized after appearing on the Late Show in front of an entire room of toilet paper, while advocating for Rachel's dismissal from the show.  Rachel meets the Bridesmaids, played by The Squad, who try and shame her for the carbon emissions she put out flying to Singapore and a tweet from 2006 (when she was 10) which they believe clearly shows she's a xenophobe.  Rachel can't take anymore, decides to leave Singapore before the travel ban takes effect, is met at the airport by Nick who promises to give up his toilet paper fortune and asks for her hand in marriage, accepts his proposal, returns to NYC and everyone lives happily ever after.  Except they don't because a second wave of COVID sweeps Singapore and Nick's mother dies. Rachel and Nick return to NYC, bringing the virus with them, and infect patient 0 in the US.  For the next several months in the US thousands are infected and die, society is on lockdown, the economy is destroyed, millions of workers are out of jobs, and the movie title is changed to Crazy Sick Asians.