Out of Hibernation

It's been far too long since I've written anything.  One of those cases where work, family, and life in general have gotten in the way.  I'd like to believe my words were sorely missed, but the reality is the only comment I've recieved was from a reader who proclaimed, "No Wax Rants= Dead".  I suppose he was at least partially right.  I'd prefer to think of it as simply being in hibernation.  So fittingly as Spring is now upon us, I will attempt to come out of hibernation, shake the leaves from my back, and write once again about all that drives me nuts.

1) Why do people feel the need to tell someone who just had a baby that they are amazing and they don't know how they did it?  I realize that child birth is hard, but they are not exactly the first one to go through it.  And, regardless of how good or bad you are at it, the baby is coming out anyway.  How did they do it?  They had sex, they got pregnant, and 9 months later they had a baby.  I'm pretty sure it's been done before.

2)  Why am I made to feel as if I've crossed a picket line whenever I go to the store and don't buy Girl Scout Cookies from the 10 year old Mafia parked at the entrance?  Do they not see the 10 extra pounds I've gained in the past month off a mortgage's worth of Thin Mints and Samoas?  Don't they understand that after the initial euphoria of the first week of cookies Girl Scout sales become just as annoying as the Salvation Army and their damn bell? 

3)  The snooze button on my alarm clock extends the alarm by 7 minutes.  Why 7 minutes?  What could possibly have been the thought process of the engineers where they decided 5 minutes was too short and 10 minutes was too long?  It does not make any sense.  The world and its inhabitants like symmetry.  Did they decide that 7 was lucky? Is there some sleep research I'm unaware of that says an extra 6 minutes of sleep makes you angry, 8 minutes makes you more tired, but 7 minutes makes you feel rested, alive, sexually attractive, more spirtual, lowers your cholesterol, increases cognitive skills, stops a receding hair line, combats irritable bowel syndrome, and makes you more likely to get promoted at work?  Whatever the reason, I'm now forced to set me initial alarm for 3 minutes past the hour so my 7 minutes snoonze lands me on 5:10 am.  That will show them.

4)  Why do we feel the need to tell the waitress at a restaurant our correct name when asked for it on a wait list to be seated?  They don't know nor do they care.  They simply want to know how to contact you, how many people you have with you, and whether you are going to be a royal pain in the ass if the wait is 1 minute longer than predicted.  And why don't people hear their name the first time it is called?  Me, I'm anticipating it like a 16 year old girl waiting to see if the tube she just pee'd on has a plus or a minus. 

5)  I wonder if the people who make the Chia Pet are pissed off the Snuggie has replaced them as the go to gag gift?  Is it possible a merger could be in the making where we could have the Chia Snuggie (the Chuggie)? 

It's a short list today, but it's a start.  Hopefully it will spark a sudden rash of additional posts that essentially go unread.

First Paragraph- A Dirty Little Secret

Judy Leclair was the all-American girl. Her beauty was undeniable, but the attraction that all men felt for her went well beyond looks. Judy had an immense capacity to please, but was able to maintain her identity as a strong and independent woman. Unpredictably she’d married the nerd from high school, instead of the quarterback, but Judy never followed the rules. The man had no looks, little personality, and a slight limp when he walked, but Judy had apparently found all of his flaws charming and pledged her life to him nearly 8 years ago. Judy’s three children thankfully took on her looks as their Christmas card photo annually chronicled. Judy really could do it all; full-time mother, volunteer at no less than five local charities, and a devoted wife that never let her husband go to bed unsatisfied. Tuesday the 31st was just another ordinary day in her extraordinary life. She had exercised, showered, and was dressed to the nines before anyone else in her house had pressed the snooze alarm. Breakfast was individually prepared for each family member and her husband’s lunch was specially prepared and already placed in his briefcase. She kissed him goodbye, the type of kiss that let him know there were no others, and watched in the door as he backed out of the driveway and drove down the street. Judy’s two oldest were dropped off at school and her youngest at daycare and by 8:30 am Judy was already back home ready to tackle the day. As she did every day, she went upstairs to her home office and logged into her computer. While it churned to life, Judy pulled open the futon, put her hair up in a bun, and put on a pair of black rimmed glasses. She was the real life replica of every man’s naughty librarian fantasy, which is exactly what she wanted. The beep on the computer signaled to Judy that her 9:00 am had arrived in the chat room and she was pleased to see it was a regular named James. Judy positioned herself in front of her webcam, unbuttoned her blouse, and prepared herself to give the main in the wheelchair the very best that $4.99 a minute could buy.

Word Play

I recently played a game asking me to list the 100 most common words in the English language. The game was interesting (I got 83 of them), but the most intriguing part was the order of the 100 most used words. It got me thinking, so I did a quick search and found the top 500 most commonly used words For example:

Want is #154 on the list, while need is #186. Given our current money hungry, sense of entitlement, tis better to receive then give society, this seems about right.

No is #84 on the list. Yes does not show up on the top 100 (it ranks 486 for those playing at home). I’m guessing that parents and virginal girls are single handedly keeping “no” in the top 100. However, we’d probably be a much better society if “yes” could at least crack the top 200. Similarly, never (#223) comes before always (#267)

One (#23) logically comes before two (#73) and both of them come before number (#86). However two does come before first (#93). Additionally, three (#153) comes before four (#218) which comes before five (#368) which comes before six (#371). Seven is apparently unlucky and misses the list entirely. Eight also misses the list, but ate comes in at #282. Nine was also out of the top 500; however ten does come in at #376.

He (#11) comes before she (#50). His (#19) is there, but hers doesn’t even make the list. Boy (#146) is ahead of girl (#303) and man (#116) comes in well ahead of woman, which didn’t even make the list. Apparently there is sexism even in our language. On a positive note, we are smart enough to known that mother (#194) comes before father (#200).

Love (#387) does come before money (#389), although just barely.

Mile is number 272 while inch is n umber 451. I guess if you give them an inch, they will take a mile.

On the race note, white (#255) does come ahead of black (#326).

For all of you married women out there, numbers 178-181 are Why Ask Men Change. Good question.

List (#310) and language (#499) both make the list.

Selfishly speaking, take (#105) comes before give (#123), I (#18) comes before we (#35) and my (#82) comes before our (#124).

And finally, maybe we are in moral peril as God doesn’t even show up in the top 3000 words spoken.