I was forwarded a poem once called "A Woman Should Have". The poem was attributed to Maya Angelou, but is actually the work of Pam Satran. You can check out the poem here if you'd like see the basis of the rant. http://www.robinsweb.com/inspiration/pamela_redmond_satran.html
The author is irrelevant, but the rant is not. Here's my version of what everyone woman should have and know.
A WOMAN SHOULD HAVE…..
Enough pride to take care of herself
And enough confidence not to care about how others think she looks.
A WOMAN SHOULD HAVE…..
No thoughts about asking her significant other if she looks good in those pants
Because most likley she already knows the answer.
A WOMAN SHOULD HAVE…..
No problem at all cooking for her mate
Why the hell wouldn’t you want to do something nice for someone you love?
A WOMAN SHOULD HAVE….
Enough sense to know that her toughest critics are not men,
But other women.
A WOMAN SHOULD KNOW….
That sometimes a man doesn’t want to romance her,
He just wants sex
Why is that wrong?
A WOMAN SHOULD KNOW….
That it’s just as easy to put the toilet seat up for a man
As it is for him to put it down for a woman.
A WOMAN SHOULD KNOW….
That a man has no idea what you are thinking,
That it’s okay to tell him exactly what you want
That we are just not smart enough to do it on our own.
A WOMAN SHOULD KNOW….
That just because you have something to say, it does not necessarily mean it is more critical than what’s on the TV
A WOMAN SHOULD KNOW….
That just like they want to be romanced, a man never wants to lose that seductive, exotic, exciting, and adventurous girlfriend you once were.
A WOMAN SHOULD KNOW….
That the completely imperfect, slightly overweight, unemotional, unromantic, thoughtless idiot you are with
Is right now being looked at by another woman as the perfect man you once thought he was.
A WOMAN SHOULD KNOW….
That it’s okay to be a woman
That is okay to be vulnerable and need a man’s help
That it is okay to have no clue how to use power tools
That it’s okay to lose yourself because love is completely unselfish
That it’s okay to use paper plates.
That grilled cheese is just as good as Filet Mignon as long as it’s with you
That guys couldn’t give a damn about the length of your calves so long as they don’t turn into cankles
That men also know when to WALK AWAY and it’s generally when their mate starts looking to poems for life advice.
If you live a life without wax, you can never go wrong.
Sunday, August 30, 2009
Friday, August 28, 2009
2 for the Price of 2
How stupid do businesses think the average consumer is? Or maybe a better question is how is it that we could possibly be so stupid as consumers? I recently purchased a package deal for something. Packages always sound like a great deal, because well, we've been trained as a society that the word package equals the word "deal". But do they really? The package I purchased ended up saving me a total of $15 on a $325 purchase. That's a roughly 5% savings or $3 per item purchased. I was planning on only buying one, so in reality I didn't save $15, I actually cost myself $270. Did this business think I wouldn't catch the rip off, or am I just dumb enough not to question it and go ahead with a larger purchase than I wanted?
Did you know that most movie theaters' concessions stands offer package deals that actually don't save you a dime? I mean nothing. You order package 1 for a large popcorn, large soda, and a candy and it costs you the exact same amount it would have if you ordered them separately. When I asked the 16 year old, iPod toting, cell-phone texting, baggy pants wearing, nose-ringed, purple haired, pissed off at society because her mommy and daddy didn't buy her tickets to the "I'm obsessed with Edward" Twilight concert......**taking a deep breath**.....she told me in as few a words as humanly possible, with as much inflection as female voice #1 on my rent a car's GPS, and with zero emotion whatsoever, "Packages are easier for us to enter." Seriously? You just got me to buy the 2.5 gallon drink, that I didn't want, the bucket o' popcorn that I'll be picking out of my teeth for the next 8 hours, and a box of jujube's whose internal package was half as big as the box it came in all under the pretext of getting a deal when in reality I didn't save anything. Fantastic. I hope you enjoy mopping up 2.3 gallons of the drink when I accidentally spill it during the movie and good luck sweeping up 2/3 of the bucket-o-popcorn that spilled when I tried to open my "half as big as they looked in the display case" box of jujube's.
How about the places that offer you this precious deal. But 1 for $2 or buy 5 for $10. I actually saw that recently. Other than in Kentucky or West Virginia, does anyone actually think they are getting something special there? What in the hell is the business owner thinking he is getting away with on that one? Carnivals are famous for doing idiotic things like that, but I can at least give them the benefit of having a low IQ and therefore actually believing they are giving us a deal when in reality they are not. Yes sir, I will take the 5-fer deal to ride the tilt-o-wheel.
But let's be clear, these things work because we all want a deal. We all want to think we just got one over on the man because what would have normally cost us $5.75, now only costs us $5.50. We absolutely hate to think we left money on the table, so we get sucked right into the package deal. Well not anymore. I refuse to do it. I'll order my Big Mac, Fries, and drink separately and gladly pay the extra $.45 to do it. I refuse to give the tilt-o-wheel man $10 when I only wanted to give him $2. I will not get that box of jujube's when all I really wanted was a small drink and popcorn. Okay, maybe that's going too far....I really do like the jujube's.
Did you know that most movie theaters' concessions stands offer package deals that actually don't save you a dime? I mean nothing. You order package 1 for a large popcorn, large soda, and a candy and it costs you the exact same amount it would have if you ordered them separately. When I asked the 16 year old, iPod toting, cell-phone texting, baggy pants wearing, nose-ringed, purple haired, pissed off at society because her mommy and daddy didn't buy her tickets to the "I'm obsessed with Edward" Twilight concert......**taking a deep breath**.....she told me in as few a words as humanly possible, with as much inflection as female voice #1 on my rent a car's GPS, and with zero emotion whatsoever, "Packages are easier for us to enter." Seriously? You just got me to buy the 2.5 gallon drink, that I didn't want, the bucket o' popcorn that I'll be picking out of my teeth for the next 8 hours, and a box of jujube's whose internal package was half as big as the box it came in all under the pretext of getting a deal when in reality I didn't save anything. Fantastic. I hope you enjoy mopping up 2.3 gallons of the drink when I accidentally spill it during the movie and good luck sweeping up 2/3 of the bucket-o-popcorn that spilled when I tried to open my "half as big as they looked in the display case" box of jujube's.
How about the places that offer you this precious deal. But 1 for $2 or buy 5 for $10. I actually saw that recently. Other than in Kentucky or West Virginia, does anyone actually think they are getting something special there? What in the hell is the business owner thinking he is getting away with on that one? Carnivals are famous for doing idiotic things like that, but I can at least give them the benefit of having a low IQ and therefore actually believing they are giving us a deal when in reality they are not. Yes sir, I will take the 5-fer deal to ride the tilt-o-wheel.
But let's be clear, these things work because we all want a deal. We all want to think we just got one over on the man because what would have normally cost us $5.75, now only costs us $5.50. We absolutely hate to think we left money on the table, so we get sucked right into the package deal. Well not anymore. I refuse to do it. I'll order my Big Mac, Fries, and drink separately and gladly pay the extra $.45 to do it. I refuse to give the tilt-o-wheel man $10 when I only wanted to give him $2. I will not get that box of jujube's when all I really wanted was a small drink and popcorn. Okay, maybe that's going too far....I really do like the jujube's.
Mega Millions
Well, I’m not a millionaire….and neither are you. WTF? How is it possible that with 25 numbers on my card I only get 1 right??? Bunch of BS if you ask me. Now for the good news. No one else got all the numbers either, so now we have jackpot for tonight estimated at $325 MM!!!!! I mean come on. I can’t even begin to imagine what I would do with that much money. Why shouldn’t it happen to me? Why shouldn’t it happen to you? Why does it always happen to the 98 year old woman who leaves it all to her cats? Or to the 43 year old man from Kentucky who vows not to change his life at all and continues to drive his 1978 Datsun pickup to work? Why do reality makeover shows only involve “deserving” people? Why can’t a guy like me who drives 3 hours a day, works hard for his paycheck and family get a little break? Why shouldn’t normal be rewarded once in a while instead of only the extraordinary? Why must I have lost a leg, or adopted 18 children, or served in the military, or lost my spouse, or had my house destroyed in a freak lava flow, or been abducted by Aliens in order to have any attention paid to me?
Maybe what I’m saying here is that I’m tired of being normal. Or maybe I’m okay with being normal so long as it doesn’t lump me into the category of “you get absolutely no extra benefits because you are like everyone else.” And please don’t tell me I should be grateful that my family is healthy, that I have a roof over my head, that I have a job, that I have all of my limbs, that I have others who fight for my freedom, that I am able to enjoy life, that I live in America. I know all of that, and other than the health part which I cannot control, I have all of those things because I work my ass off every single flippin day. I get up at 5 am and work until 9 pm, and coach my kids, and join boards, and volunteer, and donate to charities so that I’m not that waste of oxygen that sits on his/her ass and waits for life to give them something. Yet here I find myself lumped into the same group called “normal and average” with roughly 3 billion other people because some other all-american gets up at 4 am and saves a bus of burning kids on the way to work. Because some other modern day Robin Hood not only coaches his kids, but starts a baseball league for mentally challenged kids who he ends up adopting. Because some great gal creates a foundation to feed all of the starving left-handed Cuban born, green-eyed girls in the US. Because some other philanthropist gives the keys to his car to a homeless man on the side of the street. Someone will always be better. Someone will always do more.
So what does that say about me?? Should I just give up? If my efforts are going to be so mindlessly lumped into the “you are average, therefore you get jack” category, then why should I ever strive to be anything more than average? What does it give me? I don’t get any extra money from the government, because I’m not poor enough. Even worse, I have to pay a lot more to the government because I worked hard enough to get a good job that pays me enough money to lump me into a higher tax bracket. I don’t get any protections from the law because I am the epicenter of average. I am white. I am male. I am young. And I’m not disabled. Ergo, you get dicked however and whenever by someone who isn’t white, male, young, or able bodied. Will Extreme Home Makeover ever come to my house for doing what millions of Americans do every single day of their life with absolutely no fan faire whatsoever? I doubt it. Ty Pennington can kiss my young, white, male, able bodied ass.
I know…boo hoo for me. I should be happy that I’m in the group of haves instead of have-nots. And I truly am. Just don’t call me average…that’s my job.
How’s that for a rant??? Maybe it’s worth $352 million. Yes...I will be playing tonight with the same false hopes and dreams I had on Tuesday, only to wake up tomorrow to find out that a group of lunch ladies from Gnaw Bone, Indiana pooled their weekly $7 to hit the jackpot. They all have cats, they all plan on working, and they all plan on buying new pick-ups.
Maybe what I’m saying here is that I’m tired of being normal. Or maybe I’m okay with being normal so long as it doesn’t lump me into the category of “you get absolutely no extra benefits because you are like everyone else.” And please don’t tell me I should be grateful that my family is healthy, that I have a roof over my head, that I have a job, that I have all of my limbs, that I have others who fight for my freedom, that I am able to enjoy life, that I live in America. I know all of that, and other than the health part which I cannot control, I have all of those things because I work my ass off every single flippin day. I get up at 5 am and work until 9 pm, and coach my kids, and join boards, and volunteer, and donate to charities so that I’m not that waste of oxygen that sits on his/her ass and waits for life to give them something. Yet here I find myself lumped into the same group called “normal and average” with roughly 3 billion other people because some other all-american gets up at 4 am and saves a bus of burning kids on the way to work. Because some other modern day Robin Hood not only coaches his kids, but starts a baseball league for mentally challenged kids who he ends up adopting. Because some great gal creates a foundation to feed all of the starving left-handed Cuban born, green-eyed girls in the US. Because some other philanthropist gives the keys to his car to a homeless man on the side of the street. Someone will always be better. Someone will always do more.
So what does that say about me?? Should I just give up? If my efforts are going to be so mindlessly lumped into the “you are average, therefore you get jack” category, then why should I ever strive to be anything more than average? What does it give me? I don’t get any extra money from the government, because I’m not poor enough. Even worse, I have to pay a lot more to the government because I worked hard enough to get a good job that pays me enough money to lump me into a higher tax bracket. I don’t get any protections from the law because I am the epicenter of average. I am white. I am male. I am young. And I’m not disabled. Ergo, you get dicked however and whenever by someone who isn’t white, male, young, or able bodied. Will Extreme Home Makeover ever come to my house for doing what millions of Americans do every single day of their life with absolutely no fan faire whatsoever? I doubt it. Ty Pennington can kiss my young, white, male, able bodied ass.
I know…boo hoo for me. I should be happy that I’m in the group of haves instead of have-nots. And I truly am. Just don’t call me average…that’s my job.
How’s that for a rant??? Maybe it’s worth $352 million. Yes...I will be playing tonight with the same false hopes and dreams I had on Tuesday, only to wake up tomorrow to find out that a group of lunch ladies from Gnaw Bone, Indiana pooled their weekly $7 to hit the jackpot. They all have cats, they all plan on working, and they all plan on buying new pick-ups.
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